This whole goddamn trip, Bilbo’s been fretting and whining. Thorin and the other twelve have been pounding their chests, filling my ears with a buncha bullshit about what they’ll do once they win the Middle Earth equivalent of a Mega Millions Jackpot. I’ve been going damn near crazy, jerking it slowly in my sleeping bag when the others have fallen asleep, relieving my stress as best I can. (Possibly the most important thing you can ever you learn in the military: the combat jack).
Yep, you guessed it—I’m the sixteenth member of this doofy expedition. The one that Tolkien thought was too damn embarrassing to include in the story.
“Kent,” Gandalf whispers, rustling up to my sleeping bag and laying a hand on my shoulder.
My hand freezes on my shaft. I’m turned away from him, so he can’t see the angry veins pulsing on my eyeballs, or my lips drawing back into a ferocious snarl.
“What?” I ask icily. I gently remove my hand from my cock, so he has no idea I was about to flood my jerk-sock with an extra layer of starch.
“We’re about to pass through the Misty Mountains tomorrow. The dwarves have heart, and a few have skill, but for the most part, their sword arms remain untested. I’ll be depending on you to keep a level head and herd them through any perils, should the need arise.”
“Fine,” I grunt. “Now go away. I’m studying.”
His eyes light with interest. “What subject?” He leans closer. His gross old-man-breath tickles my ear. “Of late, I’ve been fascinated with Melthos’s Theorem of Interconnecting Realities. Tell me: do you know—”
“I WAS JERKING OFF, OKAY???” I bolt straight up in my bag and fix with him a rage-glare. The bedding near my crotch tent-poles up, throbbing in time with my fast-fading boner.
“Oh, um…” He clears his throat and straightens, looking sideways. “Ah…sorry about…uh….sorry.” He clears his throat again. “Carry on.” A tip of his hat and he’s scurrying away.
I face the other way, my lower lip quivering uncontrollably. Goddamn wizard’s ruined the only thing that brings me relief; he’s turned my travel-jack into an anger-jack.
I continue stroking my wiener, tears of fury leaking from my eyes.
THE NEXT MORNING:
Goddammit goddammit god DAMMIT! I’m sweaty, tired, and rucking up the side of a steep-ass mountain. This shit sucked when I was still in the service, but now it’s worse; these guys can’t maintain a decent pace, and slowly but steadily, have asked me to carry more and more of their weight because they can’t pull theirs.
Enough is enough. When I hear the crack of thunder, followed by a patter of rain which quickly increase into a steady torrent, I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Suddenly I’m teleported into the heart of Lothlorien, straight into the middle of an Elven bachelorette party. For a hanging second, a mob of Elven Soccer Moms appraise me with a doubtful eye. Then they erupt with excited gabble.
“Look at them TITS! You can tell he only works incline bench and builds his upper pecs—no man-boobs on this one!”
“Look at that ASS!”
I doff my pack and drop to my knees, sobbing in unabashed relief.
FUCK you, hobbits!
And Thank You Elven Soccer Moms—WOOHOOOO!!!
Are you stuck with a bunch of gold-crazy idiots who have managed to convince themselves they can somehow kill a goddamn dragon? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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