“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS! I WAS NEVER TRAINED FOR IT!” My fingers quiver over a mess of wires. A straight-outta-the-movies, cliched-as-hell digital timer counts the seconds down.
“Then what ARE you trained for?” the leader of my writing group, Shirley Hedigar, screams fearfully.
“Nothing, really.” Somehow, I manage to keep my voice even as my sweat-slickened fingers tremble and jump. “If you wanna hunt down a premium milf site, then I’m your guy, but—”
“Kent, if you don’t disarm this red-ink bomb, it’ll spread it’s foul properties across the breadth of the entire city, turning everyone we love into a raving Grammar Nazi!”
“I know, I know!” Moisture runnels down my cheeks and plips off my chin. “Believe me—I enjoy being muscle-bound and having a thick, upcurved, magnificently mushroom-tipped schlong, and I know that if—”
“You let that bomb go off, and you’re award-winning wiener’s gonna stop looking like a baby’s arm holding an apple and shrink down to the size of a—”
“STOP PRESSURING ME!” I yell. “WE ONLY HAVE TWENTY SECONDS LEFT!”
And then it hits me: I’ve got an ace up my sleeve.
I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time slows down into a dreamy haze. I look around in wondrous disbelief as contrails of light follow every trace movement, rendering the world into a slow-motion mosaic.
Taylor Swift materializes from the aether, giving me a beatific grin as iridescent motes float slowly up from her gauzy outline.
“Taylor,” I whisper. “What’re you doing here?”
“I’m ready to let go of my bitchy horridness—I’m ready to channel it into your magnificent penis.”
I crook an eyebrow, puzzled. “How’s that going to help me defuse this bomb?”
“You’ll see.” She touches my crotch with a sparkling finger, and a purl of light flashes down her arm and runs into my shaft.
Then she winks, giggles, and disappears.
Time snaps back to normal.
As the timer counts down—8, 7, 6, 5, 4…—the tip of my dick erupts with the foulest, most asparagus-tainted baby-batter you could ever think of. Smelly goo coats the bomb, enveloping it in giant clumps of writhing Attack Sperm, all tipped by Steven Seagal’s snarling face. They eat through the bomb’s plasticene casing, dismantling the explosive at the atomic level with copious amounts of Fake Martial Arts Crazy.
In a matter of seconds, the device has been reduced to a harmless puddle of glop.
Shirley embraces me from behind, smushing her cheek against my shoulder blade. “Thank you, Kent—dear God, thank you!”
“Don’t thank ME,” I reply, following up with a phrase that I’ve repeated time and again throughout my laughably undignified existence on this here Earth:
“Thank the wiener.”
Are you trapped in a harrowing scenario where you’re the only chance your city has to stop an apocalyptic explosion of Grammar Nazi Prime’s mind-shriveling Red Ink? Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜