Eons have passed since I was once known as “Kent.” Wars have come and gone. Humanity has been torn asunder more times than I can count. The rise and fall, the rise and fall…it has all become so very, depressingly predictable.
Earth has become a barren husk—long detached from the star we called the “Sun.” Scientists broke the world from its natural spin through stellar engineering, in a desperate effort to avoid certain death from the Sun’s Red Giant expansion. Unfortunately, their calculations were off; instead of sling-shotting the planet to a viable solar system, Earth was sent hurtling through the blackness of space: deep, deep into the unknowable void. Humanity managed to survive for several millennia, but due to a combination of viruses, extraterrestrials, and dwindling resources, began to die off an outpost at a time.
Now it’s just me, trekking across a once-familiar planet. A planet that’s become a desolate hell-hole.
How did I survive? Apparently, my balls are filled with a mysterious substance called “Elixirium.” This magical stuff is a result of thousands of hours spent focusing on my scrotum, appraising each wrinkle and twist like an enlightened Zen master. Somehow, my intensive concentration has allowed me to survive, all thanks to my pendulous nuts.
Unfortunately, they only saved me. No one else.
I tried to warn them. I tried to convince them my blessed seed—smelly and slightly yellowed though it may be—was their last hope. No one believed me. They continued to forge ahead with their vaunted “science,” and their so-called “technology.”
Magic ballsack. They should have listened.
Cold comfort all around. I feel no satisfaction as I trek across the plague-torn wastes, occasionally killing an Insectoid and roasting it over an open flame. Every now and then, I’ll come across some rad-free tubers, but that happens less and less now.
I’m not exactly sure where I’m at—somewhere on the West Coast. San Diego? Los Angeles? Doesn’t matter—those names mean nothing. Endless life? Endless hell, is more like it. If I’m the only one alive, then—
And then I know EXACTLY where I am: I’m in the ruins of San Francisco.
Because I’ve spotted my old eReader, lying amongst the scraps of my once cheery studio.
I open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I hear a great rumble, and turn my head toward its source. On the hill to my east, I spot a mile-long mass of charging figures.
“WE BELIEVE YOU, KENT!” one of them screams. “YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG! BLESS US ALL WITH YOUR MAGICAL NUT!”
As they draw closer, I see they’re soccer moms. Millions of them.
A single tear trickles down from my right eye.
AND SO, AFTER AN UNTOLD AMOUNT OF EYEBROW-RAISING FORNICATION, HUMANITY WAS RESURRECTED, AND A GOLDEN ERA CAME TO PASS. ACCOUNTANTS AND GRAMMAR NAZIS ONCE AGAIN ROSE TO PROMINENCE, AND KENT HAD TO REPEATEDLY WHIP THEIR TESTOSTERONE-DERIVED ASSES, BUT THAT’S A STORY FOR ANOTHER DAY…
Are you a lone wanderer trapped in a desolate wasteland? Does the rebirth of humanity reside in your mutant genitalia? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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