There’s an epic story on the edges of my brain. Something involving swords, convoluted power-plays within ornate throne-rooms, magical beasts that darken the skies with their membraned wings, poison-tipped wieners, interdimensional vajeens—
NO, KENT—STAY FOCUSED!
I get up from my chair and start pacing back and forth. Without intending to, I start fiddling with my piece through the front of my sweat pants (it’s kind of a nervous habit. True story—one time I was in the elevator of my old apartment and I whipped it out and started absentmindedly messing with it. I spent the next week in the throes of abject terror, certain that someone had seen me through a security camera or the windows of the passing floors and called the cops on me).
Huh? Whuzzat?? I look from side to side, trying to spot the owner of the disembodied voice.
“ ’Tis I—the source of your madness and power.” My crotch lurches, and the sea-creature like head of my peen pokes up from my waistband. Normally, it could be mistaken for a sentient kielbasa at the peak of a roid cycle. Now, it looks withered and desiccated, as if it had just been fondled by a testosterone-free Grammar Nazi.
“What—NO!” I drop to my knees, hugging Wiener against my chest. “Why are you sick? What’s—”
“You—” *cough* “—haven’t—” *cough* *cough* “—fed me, Kent. I require a steady diet of sexual deviance in order to maintain my splendor. Goodbye old friend…it was fun while it lasted.”
It slumps in my arms and stops moving. A puff of ancient dust shoots out from the pee-slit.
“No…” Tears stream down my face and drip off my chin. The lights fritz as a giant bolt of lightning cuts across the sky, shaking the air with bone-rattling thunder. “NOOOO!!!!” I turn my face up to the uncaring heavens, clutching at the air with trembling fingers.
And then it occurs to me: I have one option left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A team of Soccer Mom Co-Mom-dos breach my door and rappel through the skylight in a crash of glass. They check for threats with crisp, professional sweeps of their submachine guns, then sling them onto their spinal magnets. The team leader undoes her cool AF skull-mouth bandanna and strides up to me, assessing my face with a penetrating stare.
“Lack of deviance?”
I meet her eyes and nod, tears streaming down both my cheeks. I don’t trust myself to speak; I’ll end up ugly-crying like Will Ferrell.
She points at two of her peers. “Chanel. Larissa. Balls and shaft. I’ve got the head.”
They respond with curt nods and begin unclipping their harnesses. The team leader starts doing so as well.
“You’re…you’re going to help me?” I ask in a shaky voice.
She swivels behind me, fish-hooks me with one hand, and pulls both my nostrils up with the other.
“This isn’t about you—this is about your magical, upcurved friend. He needs deviance, right? Well we’ve got it in spades. Get on your fucking knees.”
She collapses my legs with a pair of low kicks and they get to work.
*70s porn music*
HOURS LATER: …ow. (it hurts to sit.)
Have your genitals become dry and withered, and now require a drastic intervention to get them up and running again? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜