IN A WORLD WHERE UP IS DOWN AND BLACK IS WHITE, WHERE CHICAGO-STYLE PIZZA IS DEEMED BETTER THAN AN NY SLICE, WHERE KENT WAYNE IS NOT JUST PERSECUTED FOR HIS ZANY WRITING, BUT HIS ONE DUBIOUSLY DESIRABLE TRAIT…
“I’m sorry, Kent,” the black market tech swivels away from a grungy, tri-panel display of flickering monitors and locks eyes with me. “Your penis falls firmly into the category of ‘Destructo-cock.’ ”
“Jesus. I always suspected.” I sit up from the doctor’s table and begin removing the wired skin-patches from the head of my shaft. “What next?”
The doctor steps over to the table and starts helping me. “You have to get out of here. They’ll be coming for you any second no—”
“KENT WAYNE!” A megaphoned voice booms through the dingy insides of the tenement clinic. In the background, I hear the steady WHUP-WHUP-WHUP of helicopter rotors. “SURRENDER YOURSELF TO THE GRAMMAR NAZI SYNDICATE. YOUR ATROCIOUSLY STRUCTURED WRITING AND YOUR OBSCENELY LARGE PENIS ARE SCARS UPON THE FACE OF HUMANITY—THEY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AMONGST THE CIVILIAN POPULACE. ”
“Tell that to the dozens of soccer moms who’ve sent me thank you cards, going on and on about its mushroom-tip!” I hitch my pants up, burst out of the clinic, and take a sharp right. Bullets begin stitching the concrete as I sprint down the sidewalk, trailed by a harsh circle of glare thrown by the pursuit helo’s floodlight. An armored vehicle screams out from the intersection in front of me, turning sideways and screeching to a halt in the middle of the street. Its turret gunner levels a roof-mounted machine gun right at my mug direction and saturates the air with a storm of rounds.
I skid to a halt, almost fall as I lean sharply left, and dive behind a dumpster. I can feel the rattle of bullets against metal as they spark and crack off its hull.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A bolt of lightning crackles down from the sky, forming into a glowing, light-woven man. I peek out from the dumpster and see him rise to his feet, proudly placing both hands upon his hips. He’s completely naked. The Grammar Nazi goons immediately stop firing.
“It’s J.R.R Tolkein!” one of them yells.
“And he’s got a giant hog!” another gasps.
“Comes with fighting in the Somme, ye small-penised Balrog-suckers!” he snarls, then charges into their ranks, wielding his yogurt-slinger like a two-handed claymore sword. “Big-wienered folk protect our own!”
Behind the dumpster, I sigh in relief and wipe the sweat off my brow. Whew! Thanks J-Tolk; all these adventures where my wiener comes to the rescue—it sure could use a break!
Until the next lusty soccer mom comes knocking at my door; then it’s game on! 😀
Are you stuck in a terrible dystopia where you’re being ruthlessly persecuted for your beautiful genitals? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜