I crook a puzzled eye at Chuck Norris. “So you cured your ebola, flesh-eating necrosis, syphilis, and SARS through…”
“Steak, pussy!” He throws another roundhouse kick into a five-foot diameter titanium pole, leaving a fist-sized dent midway up its length. “Steak and patriotism! Check it out!” He rips off his star-spangled karate pants, revealing a tiny American flag protruding from the tip of his pee-hole.
I can’t help but wince. “That looks painful beyond imagining.”
“Only looks that way, cos you’re a no-good Commie sex pervert!” He throws a series of roundhouse kicks at the pole, in perfect time with the Star Spangled Banner, which he sings in a surprisingly melodious baritone. Then he switches to the Marines’ Hymm. The whole time, the flag in his wiener flaps and flutters.
“Geez Chuck. Is there ANYTHING you can’t do?” I take a seat on the garage gym’s floor and watch as he starts doing pullups from a pipe with his left pinkie.
“Hold on a second! Hundred and one, hundred and TWO, hundred and THREE…” He switches to his right ring finger and knocks out three hundred and forty. When he gets to his left thumb, he starts talking again. “Still haven’t solved the Fermi Paradox! But as soon as I finish this workout, I’m gonna—”
His garage wall blows inward, spraying concrete every which way. Through the haze, I see a drywall-coated fist slowly lowering down to a hip.
“Hello, Chuck.” Martha Stewart grins maliciously. “I’ve come for your anal virginity.”
Chuck squints angrily past his reflexively raised forearm. “Who the piss? MARTHA? Ain’t no invading my dirt star, you insider-trading scum! Prepare to get roundhouse kicked in yer blond-bobbed FACE!” He starts running toward her, chopping the air with his hands. His flag-tipped wiener jumps and wags with each step.
He launches himself into the air and screams, “ ’MERCA!” Martha spins smoothly in place, slipping his flying side-kick and penetrating his sphincter with a blindingly fast uppercut.
“AAAAHHH!!” Chuck screams. “MY PURITY!”
His eyes go blank as Martha reaches further up into his torso, working his mouth with her demonic fingers.
“Chuck,” I yell, tears streaming from my eyes. “NO!”
“There is no Chuck,” the husked butt-puppet rasps, staring vacantly ahead. “There is only Martha’s ass-puppet.”
This is too damn much. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My giant wiener rips through my pants, quivering in the air like a recently used diving board. What the HELL??? This thing only works against dragons, spaceships, and thousand-man armies! It’s no fucking match for MARTHA FUCKING STEWAR—
She cocks her head curiously to the side. “Is that an…is that an upcurve?”
I peek through my forearms, which I’ve shelled protectively around my head. “Um…yes?”
“The legends are true!” she breathes.
She shakes Chuck Norris’s anally wrecked corpse off her arm—his body falls to the ground with a wet PLOP—and strides briskly toward me, a no-nonsense look rooted firmly in her eyes.
“You’re coming with me, Man Whore. Me and my Food Network lady friends are gonna use you like a cheap sack of Betty Crocker cupcake mix.”
As she slings me over her shoulder, tears stream freely from my eyes. Whether they’re from relief or fear, I’m not really sure.
A little of both, I think.
*70s porn music*
*which abruptly switches to Darth Vader’s theme song*
Is a prison-hardened Food Network icon threatening to take your life through a devastating, Mortal Kombat-style anal-ity? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!