“What if” is a phrase that constantly plays through my head. A phrase that forms the basis for all of reality, and drives the pathways of life and evolution. A phrase that—
“KENT WAYNE!” my one-time lady-friend Irma Horfendorff screeches. “YOU HAVEN’T BOUGHT ME THE LATEST LEXUS HYBRID, AND WE STILL NEED TO GO FURNITURE SHOPPING SO I CAN SIMULTANEOUSLY BREAK YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND YOUR SPINE BECAUSE I REFUSE TO PAY FOR FURNITURE MOVERS—I NEED TO ASSUAGE ANY GUILT CAUSED BY SPENDING BOATLOADS OF CASH ON GIANT, FILIGREED DRESSERS!”
Oh no—what if I was still married to Irma???
I hop into my jeep, punch it into gear, and roar down the highway. The What Ifs start piling on—what if Irma wore her true form? What if her undying avarice became physically instantiated?
SCRRRRRRRCHH! A pair of three-taloned claws peel the roof of my jeep off like cheap wrapping paper. In the center rearview, I see a bat-winged Irma ripping off the metal and snarling at me through a fang-filled maw.
What if Irma’s Hallmark card-worshipping friends joined forces with her in her lifelong quest to eviscerate my ballsack???
The sky darkens with a horde of Irma’s fellow gargoyles. I swerve from side to side as brimstone-laden fire shoots from their mouths and impacts the pavement. A fiery draft flutters my hair, and I have to squint from the hellish glare. Fifty yards ahead, a one-story rambler explodes into a giant mess of flaming, splintered wood.
What if…what if…
What if I opened my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers?
Aristotle screams down from the sky in a badass nosedive. When he reaches Irma’s altitude, he flaps open his limbs, activating his wingsuit. As he streaks past the gargoyles, his mouth begins working at warp speed, peppering my foes with syllogistic expressions and well-thought out deductions.
There’s no way they can withstand the barrage of undiluted logic. The gargoyles begin exploding into big ol’ clouds of fire and brimstone, protesting their demises with loathsome screeches. Aristotle activates his back-mounted thrusters, then shoots past me and gives me a double thumbs-up. For a brief instant, I can see my teary, grateful smile reflected off his mirrored flight goggles.
WHEW! Another close one! The adventures of Kent Wayne—sci fi author and consummate Man Whore—continue! 😀
Is your crazy-ass ex trying to funnel all your free time and resources into giant, unwieldy status symbols? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜