Huh? Da fuq? I blink sleepily and sit up from my futon. Through the window, I see a Blackhawk helo settling onto my lawn. A uniformed general gets out, holding his cap down against the rotor wash. A four-man security detail take up position around him as he walks toward my front door.
As I throw on my Dark Knight Returns robe, I almost trip over my dickhead. I take a moment to wrap it around my right thigh and tie it off below the kneecap. (first thing I do when I get out of bed—how could I have forgotten?)
Three hard knocks. “OPEN UP, KENT! WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I mutter. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”
I swing the door wide and find myself staring at General Haggert: Director of Extradimensional affairs, a covert agency based out of an unnamed mountain in the American Southwest.
“What can I do for you, General?”
“Goddamn Insectoids, Kent. They’ve breached the mind-space barrier and set up bases here on Earth. We need your help.”
I scratch my head, thinking it over. “Hmm…although my genitals can revive the dead and kill vampires, I’m pretty sure they don’t have any effect on bugs…”
A shadow of fear passes through the general’s eyes. “Surely you have something?”
“Lemme think…” My eyes tick back and forth across the horizon. “Ooh!” I snap my fingers. “Got it! But I’ll need a way to broadcast my voice to wherever the bugs are.”
He shakes his head. “Impossible. They’ve established bases all across Earth.”
I hold his gaze with a level stare. “There’s always a way. Instruct your people to wear earplugs. And get some janitors ready—this is gonna be messy.”
He throws me a quizzical glance, but he does what he’s told; he clicks open a sat-phone and begins talking into its speaker. Then he fishes a pair of earplugs out of his left breast pocket and sticks em in.
I throw him the ok sign, coupled with a pair of raised eyebrows: Ready?
I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Testing, testing, testing…” I flip my laptop open, and direct my browser to various international live news feeds. All across the world, people look back and forth, puzzled, as my voice booms through the air.
Then I open my hidden playlist of Songs That No One Shalt Know About: LFO’s Girl in the Green Dress, Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend, Hanson’s—NO, JUST KIDDING!
As I start singing along, my voice reaches across the globe. The effect is instantaneous; people on every continent begin simultaneously projectile-vomiting and shitting their pants.
The general and his men look a bit queasy, but they’ve got earplugs in, so they’re fine. After a few minutes, the general gives me a thumbs-up.
“WE’RE GOOD!” he shouts over my dick-shriveling rendition of Wilson Philips’s classic Hold on. “THE INSECTOIDS HAVE FLED BACK TO THEIR HOME DIMENSION!”
I stop singing and shut down my playlist.
“Jesus Christ,” Haggert says, plucking the plugs from his ears. “That was horrific.”
I’ll take that as a compliment. I guess…?
Do you need a magic device which will broadcast your soul-killing karaoke to the enemies of Earth? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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