My name is Kent Wayne, 10 year old Extraordinaire. I rule the fifth grade.
“Hall monitors?” I tap through my phone, scanningf the list of errands I’ve assigned to myself.
“Fully staffed. Check-ins on the hour, every hour.”
“Behaving themselves. Your response team of jiu-jjitsu nerds has worked wonders; they’ve been making good and sure that those pituitary freakazoids are keeping their eyes on their own paper.”
I click my phone closed and lock eyes with my assistant: Marsha Thornbrady. “Walk Home Bandits?” (Those are the douchebags that harass kids on their way back to their house).
“We’ve grouped all Walk Home kids into protectable clusters. Whenever they transit, they’re guarded by roving teenagers.”
“Good.” I plunk down in the rubber lap of a playground swing and grip the side-chains. “Seems like we’ve got fifth grade under control.”
Marsha pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Sure do, boss. Used to be like the wild, wild west here at Lincoln Elementary, but—”
“Well well well—what DO we have here?”
I face toward the voice and lock eyes with Deke Sandermeyer, accompanied by four giant goons. Deke’s a holdover from the Bad Old Days: a 1980s-style, meathead jock straight out of a John Hughes movie. This is the seventh year in a row that he and his pals have been held back from the sixth grade. Even though his IQ is dangerously low, he possesses a certain animal cunning; he’s managed to persist as a thorn in my side despite my best efforts to nullify his idiocy.
I stand up from the swing. “For the last time, Deke—fuck off. I’ve been trying to be nice about it, but unless you back down, you’re about to get straight-up traumatized.”
He smacks a clenched fist into an open palm. “You with your logic and science,” he sneers. “That kind of heresy won’t be tolerated once I pound you and your fellow nerds into the dust.”
“I’m a Daywalker. Meaning I’m not just a nerd, I also spend a great amount of time engaged in physical pursuits. You don’t want to do this Deke. You don’t want to—”
“Talk to the fist,” he snarls, cocking an arm behind him and charging directly towards me. His goons follow right on his heels.
“Exactly what I said to your mom’s asshole,” I shoot back. I chop the air with my hands, meeting his charge with full-on battle fury.
I engage four seventeen-year old monsters with my best bag of tricks, but they all outweigh me by several dozen pounds. It’s only a matter of seconds before they overwhelm me and beat my ass.
“RUN!” I scream to Marsha.
She lifts up a tree branch, ready to crack some skulls. “Boss, I—”
“THEY’RE TOO MUCH FOR YOU! RENDEZVOUS AT TANNER’S HOUSE!”
She’s frozen in place; torn between wanting to help me and following my orders.
“FUCKING GO!” I shout, sweeping a giant, pubescent sack of pimples off his feet and narrowly bobbing a wild haymaker.
She takes off running and I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s short-lived; I manage to block a sloppy roundhouse kick from Deke, but the mass of his teenage body imbues it with vicious power. My right arm goes numb from the shoulder down.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I instantly age twenty years. My body cables with gym-toned muscle. My wiener grows thick and veiny, and its ponderous head slips down a few inches past my kneecaps. My squat-thickened butt ripples and flexes with several pounds of Soccer Mom-approved, Grade A, mm-mm-MM!
Deke’s mom, Brittany, pulls up in a giant SUV. “Deke!” she yells. “Are you fighting AGAIN? Why do I have to keep—” Then she locks eyes with me.
I throw her the trademarked, Kent Wayne, doofy as fuck grin.
“Oh my stars and garters,” she whispers. “I think I need to change my panties.”
Deke and his goons stop trying to punch me. Deke looks disbelievingly back and forth between me and her. “Wait—what? What’s happening right now?”
My smile grows wider as I maintain eye contact with Brittany. “You’re in luck—I happen to specialize in changing panties…via orgasms.”
She hops out of her car and runs into my arms. We start making out like a pair of prom night teenagers.
“Mom?” Deke’s voice quivers and breaks. Tears start running down his cheeks. “MOM!”
“You don’t need to see this, Deke!” one of his lieutenants screams. His goons hook his arms with theirs, and begin dragging him away. Brittany wraps her legs around my waist and thrusts her tongue into my mouth.
In between tongue-heavy kisses, I manage to look at Deke and shout, “It’s all good, Bro! Gonna do my best to make you some siblings! With any luck, we’ll all be a family soon!”
Off in the distance, I see Deke burst into tears.
HEH heh heh! Man Whore Wayne strikes again! 😀
Are you a benevolent ruler of fifth-grade? Are pituitarily superior foam-faces getting in your shiz? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜