My name is Bitefighter. 83rd-level intellect, Entradi Clan leader, and deadliest being in this 54 galaxy cluster known as the Local Group.
I am also Kent Wayne’s 10 lb. Terrier.
My eyes narrow as I regard my human pet with undisguised disgust. Look at this simpleton—he can barely remember to wash his own ass, never mind operate in a society where sentience is an assumption. Right now he’s sleeping on the couch, moaning the names of his over-40 lovers under his breath, scratching his nuts like Survivor Man trying to start a fire with an improvised bow drill.
Time to assert my dominance. I hop onto the armrest, brace myself by grabbing his temples with my tiny paws, then begin humping his head with delirious abandon.
“You. Are. MINE! You. Are. MINE! You. Are. MINE!”
He doesn’t even stir. After I mushroom-stamp his forehead several times with my fur-tipped wiener, I jump down from the couch, cackling heartily to myself. HEH heh heh! Stupid human—I make nonconsensual love to his face on a daily basis and he doesn’t even know.
Hmm…what to do next…perhaps I should unify general relativity and quantum mechanics. Nah—I’ve got that scheduled for next Tuesday. Maybe I should create a space-time fold-engine. No—I promised Elon we’d work on that together. Maybe I should just eat a giant bag of dried shrooms and trip the fuck ou—
“BITEFIGHTER! FACE ME, YOU DIRTY MONGREL!”
I turn around, wondering who the FUCK has the nerve to come into my home and—
“We have your human, bitch-spawn.”
Fuck. Hisspit—my archnemesis and Evilest of Cats—is positioned next to Kent Wayne’s face, a dozen minions by his side. They’re all ready to tear his face off and eat it like the filthy felines they are (google it—cats eat their owners’ faces after they die. Atrocious little fucksticks.)
There’s no way I can get to him in time. Unless…
I reach into my doggy lab coat and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Kent Wayne’s giant boner springs to life and begins spurting gallons of semen every which way, firehosing Hisspit and his cadre of goons with foul-ass, human-made yogurt. They immediately scatter, yowling in unchecked fury.
“AGGGHHHH! SO MUCH ASPARAGUS!”
“HIS SPERM ARE AS BIG AS SHAKE-WEIGHTS!”
“RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!”
In a matter of seconds, Hisspit and his goons have fled the premises. Kent Wayne continues snoring, blissfully unaware of how close he came to getting disfigured by a bunch of vindictive laser-chasers.
The things I do for my pet human.
Are you a genius-ass dog who constantly has to defend your pet human from dirtbag felines? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜