Time to clean out mah brain! I sit down upon my Dark Knight Returns meditation cushion, cross my legs, and reach deep into my psyche.
My perception is turned inside out and flipped upside down. My conscious self is now staring at all the corners and crevices of my own mind, both good and bad.
A legion of Attack Cocks buzzes up to me and starts swarming my face.
“Mmf! No! Get away!” I wave them off, and they flap away on membraned wings, voicing a series of giggling shrieks.
Goddamn Attack Cocks…they take up about 90% of my computing power. (Gonna have to fix that one of these days.)
I drift through the void, glancing curiously from side to side. Adventure Time, Voltron, ripped-ass barbarians riding atop cyborg dinosaurs…all is well. Not trying to sound like a narcissist, but I like poking around in here; it’s kinda like an R-rated version of Calvin and Hobbes. Well, it appears I can go back to—
What the fuck is THAT???
Fifty yards ahead of me, past several floating platforms made from various forms of matter—brains, marble, circuit boards—I see two of the most ugly-ass beings in all of existence making out.
Grammar Nazi Prime and Accountancy Incarnate.
“What the FUCK?” I sputter. “How did—”
They give each others’ tiny wieners one last squeeze then turn toward me. “You left your online school lectures running while you fell asleep,” Grammar Nazi Prime says. “Due to your unguarded delta-wave state, we were able to infiltrate your psyche and set up shop. Now we’re here to stay.” He turns back to Accountancy Incarnate and they begin mashing their chinless faces together, pressing their giant-bushed scrotes up against each other and forming a horrible mix of smeg-infused wrinkles.
Suddenly, red light begins flooding my psyche.
“REEE! REEE! REEE! ALL CONCEPTS FLEE THE PREMISES. THIS MIND IS ABOUT TO IMPLODE FROM AN OVERDOSE OF SOUL-DEADENING BULLSHIT!”
“STOP!” I yell at the two accumulations of Pure Grossness. “YOU TWO ARE ABOUT TO DESTROY MY GODDAMN MIND!”
Grammar Nazi Prime turns to me again. Flashes of sinister red light strobe off his glasses. “And what’s so special about this place, Kent? You spend the majority of its computing power on dreaming up Attack Cock variants and 50PlusMilfs.”
“THAT’S…THAT’S NOT TRUE!” I scream. “THERE’S MORE TO ME THAN JUST—”
He flaps a dismissive hand at me and goes back to making out. Everything starts shaking—lines of loosened dust begin crumbling down around me.
Fuck it. I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Every Attack Cock in the immediate vicinity turns its glans toward the invaders.
“Whoa…wait a second…” Grammar Nazi Prime and Accountancy Incarnate take a few steps back, their eyes widening in dawning horror.
My lips spread into a savage smile. “Attack Cocks…ATTAAACCKKKK!!!”
I shoot my finger at my enemies, and the Attack Cocks fly directly at their faces, enveloping them in a storm of frenulum and dick-skin. GNP and Accountancy Incarnate howl in terror as their foreheads are mushroom-stamped over and over again.
A mind full of Attack Cocks…who knew it could come in handy?
Have a pair of piece of shit boredom factories infiltrated your mind? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜