I spy with my pterodactyl’s eye…
A bipedal piece of shit.
You may be asking why us pteros and bipeds exist in tandem. The answer is that my world isn’t Earth as you know it. Some of our shamans managed to diverge the timelines and create an alternate reality where that bitch-ass meteor never impacted the planet’s surface. It ain’t all roses; goddamn Humes have been chowing down on magic mushrooms for the last million years, and it’s made them smart as shit through neurogenesis. They’ve developed shamans of their own, and the wisest among them have come to realize that time, space, and subsequently causality itself are all illusions.
Meaning they’re a lot harder to eat.
I’ve been tracking this particular one for several months. Kent Wayne’s his name, and he strikes me as one of the duller among them. Always flexing his tits and smelling his fingers when he thinks no one’s looking. Constantly wooing the females of his species with his upcurved wiener. (Can’t believe they fall for that shit).
He’s napping on a vast stretch of yellow-grass savannah, where there’s nowhere to hide. I’m circling him at a distance, pretending I’m chilling on some thermals. Due to my preternaturally keen eyesight, I can see him clear as day, while his 20/20 bullshit renders me into a tiny black speck. When I see his chest rising and falling in rhythmic time, I know he’s asleep.
I signal the rest of my flock with a high-frequency whistle. We all form into a line that’s organized along his line of sight, so as not to scatter our movement across different axes. As we approach, I can’t help but snort in glee. This meal is gonna be fucking epic.
But then, as we start dive-bombing toward him, he reaches into his satchel and withdraws his stone tablet. Etched upon it is his science fiction epic Echo, which is in possession of reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Kent Wayne’s butthole lurches and dilates—like an alien eye that has come nigh to wreak its vengeance upon us all.
“RUN!” I scream to my flock. “RUN BEFORE IT’S TOO—”
The skies darken, and horrid laughter rumbles up from Kent’s throat. Gale-force winds jet out from his anus, mauling giant swaths of turf throughout the once-peaceful savannah. All vegetation is stripped of leaves and greenery. His Breakup Fart forms into a giant, cyclonic whirl of phantom skulls, all cackling with malicious abandon. Their eyes glow green with sickly eldritch fairie-light, and their clacking jaws laugh mercilessly at us as we tumble and spin within a hurricane of methane. As members of my flock are sucked into the fart’s event horizon, they screech in agony as flames erupt along their scales. In a matter of seconds, they’re reduced to blackened crumples of char-riddled flesh. I howl in agony as the edge of the fart touches my bottom claw; my skin drips off the bone in hissing, sizzling streams.
Down below, Kent is laughing maniacally, interspersing his guffaws with primitive, sports-fan-like “WHOOO!”s. I try to rise high on a thermal, but the air drops beneath me, and I’m suddenly sucked downw by the immense force of the Breakup Fart’s gyre.
This can’t be how it ends. We manage to avoid an extinction-level event! FUCK! I can’t FUCKING BELIEVE—
Are you a lone human in an alternate universe where predatory ’dactyls are hunting your soft, fleshy ass day and night? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜