“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday TO you! Happy BIRTHday dear KEEE-eeennttt…”
“YES! Worship me, peons!” I twerk in place, drawing a host of pained grins as my cartoonishly large wiener and nutsack flop around in the crotch of my pants. It’s like watching a bunch of pissed-off volleyballs vying for dominance.
“Happy birthday to YOU! Yaaaayyy!!!” The party-goers erupt in applause.
Gandalf walks up to me and claps me on the shoulder. “Would you like to do the honors and cut the cake, Kent?”
I slap his hand away. “Trying to make me work on my goddamn birthday? Fuck off, Oldskies McOldface! YOU do it!”
Rage flashes through his eyes. Then he reassumes his smile and hisses, “As you wish, birthday boy.”
“I want each piece to be polyhedral! If so much as half a degree is out of place, you’re gonna wear that cake on your motherfucking FACE!”
He doesn’t respond; he turns toward the cake and starts muttering under his breath as he traces out a series of precisely measured lines into the frosting.
“Here’s your first birthday present, Kent.” Batman walks up to me with a crisp white envelope.
I smack it out of his hand. “The FUCK? Billions at your fingertips and you get me some lame-ass gift card? You’re Bruce fucking W—”
He raises a finger to his lips and makes a pleading, open-palmed gesture with his left hand. “Please Kent, no one knows that I’m—”
Her goggled eyes regard me with suspicion. “Yeah?”
“Find a strap-on that’s at least twenty inches in length, and seven in girth. Give the caped crusader here a manual enema!”
A single tear slips down Batman’s right cheek. “Fine,” he whispers. His head droops forward in a beaten sag as Catwoman takes him by the hand and leads him away.
For the next few hours, I go power effin’ mad. Superman flies around in a constant circle overhead, humming a specific circus jingle at my behest (DOO doo doo-doo-doo-doo DOO doo doo-dooooo) while Han makes out with Chewbacca, tears streaming from his face as he mumbles apologies to his best friend through a thick mat of Wookie fur. When I order Chuck Norris to cut off his beard, I cross the line of no return.
“There’s no way in DICK I am cutting off my beard!” Chuck screams. “This idiot Man Whore has pushed it too damn far! Let’s fill his rectum with razor blades and semen!”
Everyone at my party rushes me, screaming like a bunch of chimps on the warpath.
“No!” My eyes widen. “STAY BACK!”
Just as a hand grabs my ankle, I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A mandala-lined portal rips open directly to my rear. I dive through it and find myself transported to the Enchanted Booty Forest.
As I rise to my feet on quivering legs, I make a resolution: next time, I’ll celebrate my birthday by myself. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. (Yeesh—should’ve known that from reading the Dark Phoenix X-men arc!)
Have you gone mad with Birthday Powers, and now threaten the very foundation of ethics itself? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜