“Oh hey Steven Seagal, you gross-ass horror show. What’s going on?”
“Ah, not much Kent—just rolling this juicy booger between my fingers, seasoning it with my disgusting skin so that I can eat it like the filthy mongrel I am.”
“Christ.” My face twists in revulsion. “That’s horrible. You hurt my will to live, Steven.”
“What can I say?” He pops the morsel into his mouth. “I’m a salt man. I need salt.”
“Ever hear of Morton’s, you revolting piece of shit? Try going to Safeway.”
“Please.” He waves a dismissive hand. “Going to the grocery store and picking up a can of salt caters to a vast range of corporate agendas. If you could only—”
“Someone needs to teach you a lesson. You’ve gone full-on, 90s action-star crazy.”
Steven throws his head back and roars with laughter. “ ‘Teach me a lesson?’ Bro, I’ve been the undisputed glory hole champion of ‘Truck n’ Fuck Madness’ several times over. Nothing grosses me out—you can’t teach me a goddamn thing.”
“Perhaps.” I grit my teeth. “But I know who can.”
And then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Gary Busey crashes through the ceiling, dressed in nothing but a sauce-stained pair of frayed tighty-whiteys. He raises a fist to his mouth and—
“BRRRAAAP!!! ’scuse me. Just burped up some of my own sperm.” He smacks his lips and looks quizzically at the ceiling. “Little too much asparagus that time.” Then he locks his eyes onto Steven and throws him a maniacal smile.
“No—NO!” Steven makes the sign of the evil eye. “Stay the fuck away from me, Gary!”
Busey charges toward Steven, his pimple-riddled flesh thundering and jiggling. He spear-tackles the action star, sending them both crashing through a mess of drywall.
I beat a quick retreat. There’s no way I wanna stick around for a gross-off between two undisputed professionals.
Have you been assaulted by grossness beyond measure? Do you need to fight fire with fire? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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