Murrghh…what the eff is happening?
“We have the Man Whore,” a woman whispers. “Let’s get going.”
Last thing I remember was eating a slice of pepperoni with mushrooms…
“Careful—Martha wants him undamaged. We harm one hair on his scrotum and—”
Martha? Da fuq?
“How much rohypnol did you put in his pizza?”
“A lot. I didn’t have time to measure it out.”
“Well…that’s okay. As long as we don’t hurt his butthole; we’re supposed to leave that intact for Martha. Oh, here she comes in her insider-trading-powered assault craft.”
I’m loaded into a car. We drive for two hours, then they drag me out onto a wind-blown prairie.
Still can’t move. The air fills with the sound of decelerating turbines as a tilt-rotored craft swoops in from the east and slowly lowers down to the ground.
“Kneel.” Her voice sounds like serrated blades rasping over gritted concrete.
Her armored lieutenants sink to a knee, propping their forearms atop their thighs as they pound their chests in a gesture of dark-hearted fealty.
“His anus—I wish to ravage it with my prison-hardened fist.”
“It is yours, Mistress.”
“Present him for me.”
They prop me onto my knees and shove my face in the dirt. The smell of wet loam invades my nostrils.
“My spiked baking mitt, Rachael.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Rachael Ray unclasp a jeweled lockbox. She bows before Martha. Martha extracts the gauntlet from the lockbox and fits her hand into it. She makes a fist, and I hear the soft squeeze of bunching cloth.
“It is time to make this Man Whore pay for the derogatory vitriol he’s spewed against my primary audience’s yuppified husbands.”
“The talons on your mitt have been equipped with independent motors, Mistress; his colon will soon look like ravioli that’s been savaged by an epileptic octopus—an octopus on Walter White’s finest batch of Blue Sky meth.”
“Excellent. Stand aside, peon.”
As her servants clear a path, a strangled scream rises from my throat. “Nnnn….NNNNN!!!” If I don’t do something, I’m gonna have to sleep on my stomach for a goddamn year!
So I force my hand into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.
And wonder upon wonders, her dark lieutenants turn against her.
Sandra Lee yells, “Ingrid, Sunny, Nigella—hold the line! FOR THE MAN WHORE!!!”
“FOR THE MAN WHORE!!!” they roar. Then they ring Martha in, throwing roundhouses, back-sweeps, and a series of leaping wheel-kicks.
“WHAT TREACHERY IS THIS?” Martha shouts, slap-blocking Sunny’s foot while punching Nigella squarely in the chest and sending her flying twenty yards back. “YOU TRAITOROUS CUNTS!”
Giada slings me over her shoulder and snaps a quick-don harness onto my torso. Martha makes short work of her attackers; now she’s running across the field, chopping the air like the damn T-1000. Padma and Rachael fall back and engage her on the wind-blown plain, trading a forceful series of strikes and traps with the evil Food Network goddess.
“FOR THE MAN WHORE!!!” they yell in unison.
Giada points a grapnel-gun toward the sky and pulls the trigger. Its decelerant-cabled hook shoots out in a violent puff of compressed gas, latches onto the underside of a low-flying helicopter, and we go soaring off into the distance. Her warrior cry echoes throughout the sky:
“FOR THE MAN WHORE!!!”
Down below, Martha turns her spiked fist up at me and gifts me with a parting scream:
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNN YOOOOOUUUUUuuuuuuuu….”
Kent Wayne—sci fi author and professional Man Whore—escapes again! Ha HA! 😀
Is a prison-hardened Food Network mogul intent on ravaging your anus with the wrong end of her bladed baking mitt? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜