“Orders, Microbiome Commander?”
“Quiet, Lactobacillus—I’m thinking.” I hunch over in my plasmic chair, my brow furrowing as I contemplate our predicament.
“I can’t take it anymore!” Streptococcus wheezes. “This bitch is fucking crazy! If we don’t do something soon, then—”
I rise from my seat and slap him across the face. “Get ahold of yourself! This is no time to lose your cool!”
Streptococcus falls back, clutching his cheek. For a high, sharp moment, he fixes me with a hateful glare. My hand drifts down to my nucleic pistol; I’m certain he’s going to attack…then he rubs his cheek and mutters, “Sorry—it’s just that we’ve been fighting for years on end.”
I place my hands behind my back and look at my second in command. “Pepto battalions?”
My lieutenant, Slim-slime, says, “At 30%. We might be able to survive another assault…maybe.” I can hear a hint of despair creeping into his voice. “Helicobacter are giving us hell; they’ve established a firm foothold in our gastric mucosa. Won’t be long before they start forming ulcers.”
“Damn it,” I hiss.
Slim-slime raises a tentative tentacle. “Commander, I may have a solution…”
“Go ahead, Slim-slime.”
“Our host-body, Chanel Montclair, once dated an unnaturally hale and healthy man named Kent Wayne. If we could somehow teleport into his gut-biome…”
I give him a disbelieving look. “And how exactly are we supposed to teleport into another gut, Slim-slime? Unless you’re harboring some kind of reality-distortion tech, which, as far as I know, hasn’t been invented, then—”
“It has, actually. Kent Wayne has successfully managed to distort reality several hundred times by aligning his mind with his paradigm-shifting science fiction novel: Echo. I’ve been reading it over the past few months and—”
At that moment, lurid red light begins flashing throughout the stomach.
“REEE! REEE! REEE! HOST-BODY HAS ENGAGED IN MATING RITUALS. SPERM IS IMMINENT—MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS.”
I grit my teeth. “This is what we get for incarnating in a porn star—get to your stations. NOW!”
I strap on my plasmic armor. My troops grimly follow suit. I rack the action on my nucleic pistol and lock eyes with Slim-slime. “If you’ve got any aces, now’s the time to play them.”
He gives me a curt nod. “I’ll need five minutes.”
“You’ll get them.” I turn to my fellow bacteria—these last hardy warriors who’ve survived endless barrages of murderous sperm shot from the filthy cocks of roided up male porn actors.
“We’ve been inside Chanel for TOO DAMN LONG!”
A raucous cheer bursts from their ranks.
I reach behind me and unsheathe a pair of acid-forged blades. “Slim-slime’s planning something. It may or may not work, but he needs five minutes! Five minutes, men! You’ve seen your comrades die in agonizing pain from those filthy tadpoles Chanel keeps throwing down her gullet! IT ENDS TODAY!”
It’s not just a cheer this time—it’s a goddamn roar.
“FIVE MINUTES!” I scream. “HOLD THESE FUCKERS FOR FIVE MINUTES!”
I hear hollers from the esophageal scouts: “SPERM! THEY’RE FUCKING COMING!”
And then I join my warriors, snarling in fury as I slash wildly, separating tails from heads. DNA flies every which way, and I lose myself to a timeless rage that warms my heart and burns my soul. My entire existence is reduced to a savage repetition of hack and slash, hack and slash…
And then Slim-slime’s mind aligns with Kent Wayne’s science fiction epic Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Suddenly, we’re—
—somewhere else. A giant Clostridium walks up to us, a puzzled look on his face.
“Where’d you guys come from?”
Tears of joy leak from the corners of my eyes. “Is this Kent Wayne’s gut?”
“Yeah. Um…you’re welcome to stay. I guess.”
I sheathe my swords and turn my face up to the heavens. Angels burst into power ballads, charging my being with the essence of Kent.
“Thank you Kent Wayne,” I whisper. “You magnificent, non-sperm eating bastard.”
Are you a beleaguered speck of gut flora, engaged in a bitter struggle for your very survival? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜