The air is thick with tension—you couldn’t cut it with a goddamn samurai sword. I hear people muttering under their breaths, going over what they need to buy, as well as their planned routes of ingress and egress.
“—directly through the snack food aisle. You break off and get three packs of mixed chips, make sure they have doritos and lays in them. We also need paper plates, napkins, cups—”
“—talk with customer service, return our space heater while I grab a printer. Rally up next to the giant jars of peanut butter—”
“I want three orbiter carts around the main supply train. Two teams—one bounds ahead, sets up a route, the other trails and strongpoints their position. Rinse and repeat, and don’t forget to follow all calls from the command cart.”
A pimply faced clerk fiddles with the double sliding doors. Everyone quiets. My hands squeeze the red plastic guide-rail of my Costco shopping cart. A bead of sweat trickles down from my brow.
As the doors slide open, the clerk announces in a cracked, broken voice: “Please remember to try some of our mango chutney salsa. We’ve got free samples near the frozen foods ais—”
A massive wave of Sunday Costco shoppers rushes the entrance. The clerk bleats a panicked “DEAR JESUS!” before he turns tail and runs. He twists his ankle and almost falls, but his loyal coworker-in-arms loops his elbow over her shoulder and they scrabble to safety.
I’m surrounded by the crash and clang of steel-mesh carts. Shoulders get thrown. Someone crossfaces me. I snap my head to the side as a dirty elbow slices toward my chin. It misses my nose by less than an inch.
I see a soccer mom raise a flare gun and pull the trigger. A luminous green spark shoots out from its muzzle. Twenty yards ahead of her, her nine-cart team breaks into a staggered line and charges forward, mowing down single-cart shoppers like the fucking big-ass super-orcs in LOTR 3. A dad-bodded yuppie rips his Cornell T-shirt off. He lets loose with a savage scream, and I glimpse a stylized Punisher skull painted onto his scraggly-haired chest.
HUP! I execute a splits-kick, vaulting over two kids as they break from their moms’ formation and try to bring me down by lunging for my legs. I weave through an unending line of screaming humanity, throwing shoulders, knees, and head-butts in a desperate attempt to navigate Sunday in Costco.
Slip, spin, backbend. Grab me a 60-can pack of Zevia.
Check a low-kick, sprawl, aerial barrel-roll. 3 lbs. of organic steak.
Run sideways up the wall, duck a backfist, side kick someone’s cart away from mine. Just made it through the office supplies section.
As I reach for an extra large pack of spicy sausages, three hands clap down on my forearm, freezing it in place. Straining and quivering, I slide my eyes over to see who’s decided to try and fuck my morning in its unsuspecting ass with nary a drop of vaseline or cocoa butter.
Bros. Backwards-capped faces framed by popped collars grin maliciously at me.
This is no time to engage in a contest of wills. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Our pants disappear. At the same time their acorn-small wieners are exposed for the herpes-riddled gonnorhea-factories they are, my giganto-dong flops out. Its ponderous head swings back and forth between my kneecaps.
The bros scream in shame and hobble away, covering their infected crotches with their booger-flecked dick-skinners. Ha HA! As I race down the aisle, their hot AF moms pop out of nowhere and grab hold of my shirt.
I sputter, “What’re you—”
“Take us with you Kent Wayne! Rescue us from this godless madhouse!”
I face forward and say in a Batman-worthy rasp: “Hang on to something.”
They all grab onto my giant, club-like wiener and I go rocketing through Costco, a mile-wide smile emblazoned on my face.
Are you trapped in an apocalyptic hellscape of rabid consumerism? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜