Elothian Rangers have a fearsome reputation, and it is richly deserved. Their swordwork is unparalleled. They can hit a fly on the wing from a hundred yards away, from the back of a galloping horse in the middle of a leap. Their battle magicks are mysterious and deadly; they strike quickly, then vanish into the night.
For centuries, they have served as the King’s invisible guard. They patrol the hidden corners of the Anduan realm, ensuring that those who harbor sinister designs remain relegated to the shadowy underworld, far from the unsuspecting gaze of the law-abiding populace.
And yet there is one of them who—to put it lightly—is nothing short of an embarrassment.
“KENT WAYNE! GET ON YOUR STEED!”
“Coming, Ranger Elthen!”
I run out of the tavern, fumbling with the broach on my cloak. As I hop on the back of my armored horse, my Ranger partner gives me a disgusted look.
“Kent Wayne, do you not understand that you, as an Elothian Ranger, have volunteered to protect the people of the kingdom from the eternal dark? I don’t understand why you constantly—”
“Because there be Elf moms whose nethers require plundering! Yar!”
Elthen gives me a cold stare.
I hiss awkwardly through my teeth. “Uh…not a fan of pirate-speak, huh?”
He palms his face and shakes his head. “I have no idea what they see in you, Ranger Wayne. Your odor is foul, your mouth is uncouth, and your ballads tear at the very underpinnnings of a listener’s sanity.”
“Hey!” I throw him an irritated glance. “Taylor Swift’s ‘1989’ was a goddamn masterpiece!”
“I know not of what you speak,” Elthen replies stonily. “Ever since you arrived in our world through a spell-woven portal, you have spread nothing but disgrace and ribaldry throughout our lands. And anytime we encounter a foe of sufficient magnitude such as an ogre or storm giant, you scream, ‘not in the ass; please, I’ll suck your dick.’ Kent—no one, not even an ogre, would wish to insert their member into your anus or your mouth. They are consistently dirty, and both have a cornucopia of hair growing about their openings.”
I scratch my mustache and wrinkle my face. “I just assumed it was Movember, you know? Seasons pass differently here, so I can never be sure…you’re right, though, maybe I should shave…”
Elthen sighs. “It is not your hairy backside, nor your blasphemous taste in music.” He waves a disgusted hand at me, indicating the entirety of my body. “It is…everything, Kent.”
“Whatevs. You’re just mad that you don’t get as much booty as—”
Suddenly, a series of concentric circles—they look like ever-expanding rings of distorted air—shoots toward Elthen and knocks him off his horse. He scrabbles to his feet, flings back his cloak, and draws his sword.
“Who dares?” he sputters. “Show yourself, you accursed—”
A sinuous, female shape emerges from the woods. It points a long-nailed finger at him, and intones: “Have you forgotten your lover of times past, Elthen?”
“Oh SHIT!” Elthen screams, losing all semblance of Ranger decorum. “MY EX ALUVIA!”
She hits him with another banshee scream, causing whatever gold he has on his body to vanish in a trice. It isn’t just his money; his strength, wisdom, intelligence, charisma, and agility all lower by six points.
In another few seconds, he’s gonna be worm food.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My nuts (thought it was gonna be my wiener again, didn’t you? Ha HA!) burst from my tunic, hanging between my legs like a pair of exposed cats’ brains. Aluvia stops in her tracks and looks intently at them.
“That’s right.” I put my hands on my hips and throw her the trademark Kent Wayne doofy AF grin. “Slappy nuts are all the rage nowadays—the new penile girth, some might say.”
She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, wiping a trace of drool off of her lips. She looks Elthen up and down with a revolted expression, and flings a dismissive hand in his direction.
“His are anything BUT slappy.”
“Spare his life and you can get you some slap.” I throw her a wink.
She stares at me for a long, drawn-out moment.
mm-chika-BOWWOW! I may not be that great of an Elothian Ranger, but when in times of peril, I can always revert to my default profession:
Kent Wayne, 20th level Man Whore at your service!
Has your fellow adventurer suffered an attack from their magically imbued Ex? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜