“Little creepy crawlies! Aagh! Nyaa!” I swipe at my face and my arms, blubbering like an eight-year old school girl.
“KENT!” My platoon sergeant grabs me by the harness and brings his chaw-weathered face close to mine. “You’re a United Earth Forces Space Marine! Pull the tampon outta yer ass and pick up your goddamned service rifle! UEF Marines do NOT break discipline because of some…because of…”
“Little creepy crawlies?” I offer hesitantly.
He palms his face with his hand. “Fuck me in the goat ass. How’d I get stuck with this foam-faced—”
“Easy sergeant.” Lieutenant Sera tromps up from the middle of the patrol and stops in front of us. “HQ says that Kent here has some unique abilities. These parts are crawling with soccer moms. If we get ambushed, then—”
“Sir, have you looked at his interface?” Sergeant Renki throws a disgusted hand in my direction. “Check out his playlist! It’s filled with Old Earth bullshit like Taylor Swift, 1980s Madonna, LIGHT FUNKY ONES…”
I mime some turn-table scratches and start rapping under my breath: “Shoobie-doo-wop and scooby snacks, met a fly girl and I can’t relax. The only problem is she’s a movie star—”
“Stow it, Wayne.” Sera’s nose wrinkles in disgust. He squints his eyes and shakes his head, as if I’d just done something uniquely loathsome to him and his family. “Your taste in music hurts our will to live.” He turns back to Renki. “Nevertheless, Wayne is a high-value asset. He’s the only one who—”
Up and down our staggered column, Marines shoulder their rifles and start blasting apart the bush. Sergeant Renki charges down the middle of our patrol, yelling, “CALL THE CONTACT! CALL THE CONTACT!” Then: “CEASE FUCKING FIRE, GODDAMMIT!”
Once the reports die off, he shouts, “How’d you numbnuts manage to forget all that simulator time? Means I’ll have to beat it into you when we get back to the rear. Where’d the attack come from, you trigger-happy fucks?”
There’s a long silence, then one of the grunts calls, “There wasn’t no shots, Sergeant. Fucking Jabrowski just up and disappeared.”
“The fuck do you mean he just ‘up and disappeared?’ ” Renki barks. “We’re not on the set of a damn Predator reboot! How the fuck can—”
Then a manicured hand punches out from the bush directly behind him, grabs his crotch, then rips his nuts off right through his armor.
“AAAAHHHH!!!” His left hand clutches his missing hairy necessaries. His right hand swings his rifle around and starts blasting. “SOCCER MOMS!!!!”
Lieutenant Sera’s eyes go wide with horror. “WEAPONS FREE! WEAPONS FUCKING FREE!”
Marines begin hollering and shouting, combining ordnance with streams of panicked invective.
“Get some—FUCKING GET SOME!”
“COME ON THEN, YOU SUV-DRIVING—”
Sera ejects a mag and slaps in a new one. “PULL SOME MAGIC KENT, OR WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE RIGHT FUCKING N—”
I open my eReader, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The quantum harness falls off my wiener, and its thick, turgid length rips through my pants. A triumphant cry bursts from its pee-slit as it rises twenty feet up and waves back and forth in the humid, tropical air. Marines stop firing as it shimmies and weaves, tracing slow, hypnotic paths through the gunsmoke-threaded mist.
After nearly a minute, the brushes part. A horde of soccer moms walk slowly toward me, their unblinking eyes fixed on my dickhead. I can’t help it; I start humming the Jurassic Park theme song:
“Nah nah naaahhh…nah nah naaahhh…”
Their leader snaps her fingers and points at my face. “Shut your mouth, whore. We’ll spare the lives of your pathetic comrades. In return, you and your penis come with us. Prepare to be used like a cheap, Costco pie crust.”
I try to look sad and somber, but I can’t help it; my lips spread wide in a giant, shit-eating grin.
*3970s porn music* 😀
Are you a brave, UEF trooper in the far-flung future? Has your patrol just been attacked by a horde of super-deadly, super-hot soccer moms? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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