“What’s up Elon? Whatcha working on? Maglev speeder? Recombinant DNA that’ll allow me to shape-shift? Laser arms? Bionic nuts? Spring-loaded grappling—”
“No, no, no, no, and no, Kent.” Elon adjusts his fashionably squarish glasses, and taps at his tablet as he hurries over to a holographic whiteboard. He reaches up to it and adjusts some glimmering equations. “You’re here for one reason and one reason only. You—”
I burp and fart at the same time, bringing a smile to my face and a grimace to his. “You got any pizza around here? Man, so much cool stuff!” I walk over to sleek-looking black cube, and start fiddling with the glowing alien circuitry emblazoned on its surface. “What’s this? Does it do anything? Man, maybe we should try and connect it to an X-Box—have you ever thought of that? Have you ever—”
Elon glances away from a bio-organic console that’s got a pulsing brain in its modular input cradle, and throws an irritated look in my direction. “What are you—” Irritation turns to horror. “NO! KENT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, DON’T—”
Too late. I press a blinking red button that says DON’T TOUCH.
A hellish rip of multidimensional light forms above us, and ejects a shadowy figure out from its aperture. As it rises from an anime-style crouch, my guts lurch in protest.
It’s my ex—Irma Horfendorff. Bank account slayer, IKEA hoarder, monopolizer of 98.5% of all available television time, but worst of all…
Expert Food Moaner.
“MMMMMMRRROOOOHHHHGODDDDD!!!” Irma slits her eyes and jams a fistful of amuse-bouches into her mouth. Her knuckles come out all wet and slimy as her jaw works and flexes, squelching down on the food with loud, revolting gusto. “MRAAAAHHHH!!! YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS, KENT! SOOOOOO AMAZING AND SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR CRAP-ASS PIZZA!!!”
“No—NO!” Elon runs over to the wall and inserts a key that’s dangling from his neck into a reinforced lockbox. He turns it, pops the box open, and withdraws a loaded revolver from within its confines. “I can’t…I can’t…BLEEEEGGGHHHH!!!!” His eyes roll back and his head tilts up. Three streams of pressurized vomit erupt from his lips, coating the thirty-foot ceiling in a goopy layer of brown and yellow. He locks his blood-tinged eyes onto mine, brings the revolver up to his head, and thumbs the hammer back.
“Farewell, Kent,” he whispers.
But before he can pull the trigger, I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The holographic whiteboards scattered throughout his laboratory blink in rapid time, then reset themselves into blank, spotless slates. Sentential logic begins crawling across them, forming into syllogisms, tautologies, equivalences, implications…
Irma stops maowing down and drops to her knees, clutching the air like Vader in the Third Shitty Prequel. “NOOOOOO!!! LOGIC IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE—DAAAAAAMMMNNNN YOOOOUUUUUU!!!!”
And then she explodes.
Elon rises to his feet, quivering from the unimaginable trauma of being assaulted by Irma’s food moans.
“And THAT, Kent Wayne, is the reason I keep you around. I don’t know how you did it, but you’ve somehow built up an immunity to crazy-ass Food Moaners. That and your magic eReader make you worth your weight in gold.”
“Elon, don’t forget about my—”
He buries his face in his hands. “Yes, Kent—EVERYONE knows you have a thick wiener that curves up.”
My lips spread wide in a shit-eating grin. “Just making sure that you didn’t forget.”
Has your crazy-ass ex warp-jumped into your secret laboratory and assaulted your friend with mind-rending food moans? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜