Whose fingers are these—these fingers that dance across the keyboard, seemingly of their own volition, tapping out story after story after story? Whose wiener is this, all thick and veiny with a ridiculous upcurve that functions as a mouthwatering cheat code—a cheat code that shortens foreplay by orders of magnitude? Whose lips are these, that gibber foul jokes and semi-profound bullshit in the voice of a nerd that sounds like a 70s kung fu villain?
I’ve just woken up, and I have no idea who the eff I am.
The door bursts open and a skinny-jeaned, fashionably bearded dork bursts in. “Oh thank God!” he exclaims, bending over and cupping his knees to catch his breath. “There you are! We thought we’d lost you!”
I stare blankly at him. “Who are you?”
“I’m your best friend, doofus!” He walks over to me and starts tying a scarf around my neck. “Beta male prime!”
My brow furrows. “Beta male…prime?”
He slaps me on the shoulder. “And you’re Herman Snerdbert—my trusty beta male sidekick!”
“I am?” I hesitantly finger the scarf dangling from my neck.
“Here.” He slips a pair of thick, horn-rimmed glasses onto my face, and I bring my hands up to my temples, unsure of whether to take them off or leave them on. Then he checks my phone.
“Let’s see your playlist. Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, some J-pop and K-pop…you’re good. Time for your skinny jeans, Snerdbert.”
“Skinny jeans?” I keep staring at him.
“You’re in your boxers—cool. Stretch your legs out.”
I’m still disoriented, trying to process everything he’s just said. I extend my legs and he whips out a pair of skinny jeans from behind his back (where was he storing them? It’s like watching a testosterone-free version of David Copperfield) and bends down, placing the open waist around my exposed toes.
“Ah!” I yell, jerking my feet back. “It burns!”
“Let it happen, Snerdbert.” Shadows grow long across his face, and his voice booms with double-toned bass: “LET IT HAPPEN!”
“No! Get away from me! NO!”
I flail wildly at him. In the midst of my frenzy, my arm swipes across an eReader lying on the floor, opening it to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“RUAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” My memories come back—I’m Kent motherfuckin’ Wayne!
My body begins rippling with coarse-haired cables of brutish muscle. My head and jaw grow thick and prothagonous, and my pendulous sack grows extra smelly and extra furry.
I’ve just been transformed into my primitive ancestor: gigantopithecus Kunt Wog.
Beta male prime tries to turn and run, but I lash out with a giant-knuckled hand, grabbing an ankle and yanking him back. His jaw clacks against the floor and he voices a panicked yelp, but I quickly silence him by flinging his body in a whip-like motion toward the ceiling; his horn-rimmed skull cracks against the drywall and his eyes slide shut. Then I grab both his legs, hoist him overhead, and bisect his body with a vicious pull, wrenching him apart at the anus like a Thanksgiving wishbone. Organs slop down around me as I gibber and hoot.
No one puts skinny jeans on the monkey king Kunt Wog! Ook ook AWK!
Has some devious bastard wiped your memory and tried to drop your whoop-ass quotient by a factor of ten? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜