“What exactly do you DO here, Kent? My boss says you’re some kind of creative genius, but what does that translate to? I mean aside from constantly writing stories about giant robots and sentient wieners, you seem to—”
“HA HA HA!” I laugh way too loud and adjust my tie. “What do YOU do, Snerdbert? I mean geez—how do you manage to juggle all those PhDs in advanced physics and cutting-edge microbiology?”
Snerdbert narrows his eyes. “This isn’t about me—this is about YOU. The rest of us are luminaries in our respective fields. YOU though…not only is your IQ several deviations below everyone else’s, but your lack of hygiene is an ongoing concern. Kent—do you realize that your scrotum emits a foul odor that’s flagrantly detectable from several blocks away? I’m not saying we don’t enjoy your company, but this is a top-secret government think-tank. You have to add some value before we can seriously entertain the thought of—”
REEE! REEE! REEE!
A pleasant but urgent feminine voice blares out from the complex’s intercom: “JUSTIN BIEBER HAS BREACHED THE COMPOUND. HIS COMPLETE LACK OF TESTOSTERONE AND CRITICAL THINKING THREATENS YOU ALL. PROCEED TO YOUR SAFE ROOMS AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTION.”
“Oh SHIT!” Snerdbert’s eyes go wide behind his glasses. He grabs me by the shoulders. “Kent, if my precious brain becomes exposed to that piece of shit boy-elf, then I’m gonna—”
He cringes sideways as the walls blow inward. Through a hazy scatter of fragmented drywall, I see the Dark Lord Bieber marching toward us. He clenches his fists and leans forward, letting loose with an unceasing barrage of commercialized pop.
“Holy FUCK!” I clench my eyes shut and clap my hands over my ears.
Snerdbert’s got it worse; I see thick streams of blood pouring from the seat of his pants. His smart-as-fuck anus is protesting the presence of Bieber’s scrote-shriveling voice. I can feel it too; my starfish is quivering and jumping like it’s just been tased by Allfather Odin…IF he was piloting a juiced-up Voltron.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.
James Hetfield, lead singer of Metallica, punches through the concrete floor, executing a flying uppercut through the boy-elf’s rectum. His fist keeps going; I glimpse mashed organs and fragmented ribcage as he bisects Bieber with the most ridiculous Rising Dragon Fist this side of Street Fighter 2. Justin’s tongue and eyeballs fly in different directions, while his brain explodes into a gruesome, misty rain.
Hetfield stares at us like some fucked-up version of an Apocalypse Now-style serial killer, drenched in the blood of Justin’s cloven-in-twain body.
What can you say to that? There’s only one thing you CAN say:
“Bro.” I shake my head in a mix of astonishment and admiration. “That was metal as fuck.”
Hetfield responds with a level stare. “You’re goddamn right it was.”
Has your intellect and common sense come under assault from a modern-day gremlin that preys on the emotional frailty of clueless tweenagers? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜