“Sup Smeagol. I see you managed to survive the fires of Mount Doom.”
“Yeah.” Smeagol tosses the fat end of his tie over the small end, then threads it up through the loop. After he ties a full windsor, he looks into the restroom mirror, sighs, and hangs his head. “Goddamn—being a grungy little cave-dweller beats Accounts Receivable by a country fucking mile.”
I lay a companionable hand onto his gray, withered shoulder. “It’s all good, bro. Counting beans ain’t so bad; you just have to make sure that you maintain a healthy life outside the office.”
Smeagol looks down at the floor. His lower lip trembles, and a single tear trails down his right cheek. “All I do is jerk off and watch reruns of One Tree HIll. Funny thing—I used to be able to get a decent boner when I was living off blind fish and syphilitic goblins. Now?” A despairing laugh. “It’s like trying to play pool with a piece of goddamn rope.” He buries his face in his hands and weeps into his fingers.
“Uh…right.” I yank a paper towel out from the dispenser and dry my hands. See you at company softball, huh?”
He doesn’t answer; he just keeps weeping.
As I leave the men’s room, I loosen my tie and hiss through my teeth. Jeez—I don’t wanna end up like Smeagol. Good thing I got some hobbies to take my mind off this place. Writing, lifting, and THANK GOD for 50plusmilfs.co—
Oh shit—it’s my boss: Snerdbert McHerman.
“Kent!” He gives me a big hug. “Good news, you needle-moving consensus-building customer-centric mission-critical mofo! You’ve been promoted!”
“Um…okay. So I’m getting a raise?” I give him a hesitant grin.
“Absolutely!” Snerdbert holds me at arms’ length by my shoulders. “You just have to pass the middle manager screening!”
“Middle manager..screening?” A bead of sweat trickles down my temple.
“Yep! Let’s get started!” Snerdbert turns away and yanks down his pants in a swift, practiced movement.
I find myself staring at a pimple-riddled hellscape. Within its center is a curly-haired horror that looks like it emerged from a post-apocalyptic realm populated by evil cyborg wizards, all of which ride atop gigantic, lizard-spider hybrids.
“Clean it with your tongue, Kent! Chop chop!”
“AHHHHH!!!!” Spurts of blood erupt from my eyes, spattering the walls and floor with dark red streamlets. My organs begin vibrating at a nauseatingly high-pitched frequency, emitting piercing screams like babies being hugged by Steven Seagal. I can’t imagine what’s going to happen if I actually have to put my lips AGAINST that thing…
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.
In the same tone he used against the Balrog, Gandalf screams: “DON’T. LICK. THE ASS!!!!” The LOTR theme rings through the air as he leaps out of an interdimensional portal and jams the end of his staff into the dark, H.R. Giger-esque nightmare that doubles as Snerdbert’s poopchute.
As Snerdbert screams in rage, Gandalf flings his cape around me and we hunker down. Eldritch fury rages around us. I whisper a prayer as the world begins wrinkling, crumpling and twining into a single bright point—
—and then I’m elsewhere. Gandalf pulls me to my feet and gives me a smile.
“The Enchanted Booty Forest. And yes, Kent—we have internet here. You can still access 50plusmilfs.”
Enchanted Booty Forest??? AND 50plusmilfs???
Hot DAMN! 😀
Is your boss pressuring you into rimming a bung that would make Heath Ledger’s Joker cry for his momma? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜