Fuckles McShitbait! Am I in a dream? A computer? Where the man-boob undergunk have I ended up now???
Floating penises bop my lips, making cute little sounds like “merp!” and “yerbles,” as they do so. I swat them away, squinting in irritation. “Mmff! No! Get the fuck out of here!” A bunch more start poking at the seat of my pants, and I fling a leg back, kicking them into the fractalized ether.
“Exit only! Maybe a finger every now and then, but—NEVER MIND! Forget I said that! Exit only, you undulating little fuckers!”
Steven Seagal—clad in nothing but a polka-dotted speedo—drifts by on a dead-eyed unicorn, jerking off with one hand and eating a KFC drumstick with the other. He locks eyes with me and throws me a knowing nod.
“Good to see you, Kent. This place is pretty fucking sick, huh?”
I’m not sure if he means “sick” in the good sense or the traditional sense. My face wrinkles in distaste as his hand blurs up and down on his crouch, causing jiggly waves to ripple across his hairy body.
My gorge rises. I close my eyes and force a chunk of vomit back down my throat.
“Yeah Steven,” I say faintly. “Can you go somewhere else now? Somewhere definitely out of sight and preferably out of hearing?”
“Sure thing, boss.” He leans forward on his steed and shouts, “Onward, Laridia! Let us away to the Enchanted Booty Forest!”
As his unicorn carries him off into the nebulous environs, and I breathe a long sigh of relief. Whew, that was close. Still doesn’t explain what the hell I’m doing here, or who brought me to this—
“Well hello, there Kent.”
I turn around and lock eyes with one of the worst threats in the modern-day era:
The Beta Male.
Beta Male examines his nails, tsk-tsking like a fucking Bond villain.
“These are the annals of my mind, Kent—you have no power here. Prepare to be locked into a body that’s never done a squat or a pullup in its entire fucking life. Prepare to have your thick, upcurved wiener replaced with a squiggly little worm-dick—JUST LIKE MINE!” He drops trou and places his hands on his hips, giving me an eyeful of his pathetic pee-slinger. Goddamn—that shit would make a newborn gerbil break out into raucous laughter.
Fuck that noise—I’d rather eat a giant bowl of steaming gorilla poop. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Wait—what? Nothing happened! Beta Male throws me an all-knowing smirk.
“What were you expecting, Kent? It’s a fucking eReader.”
But then, a wondrous epiphany blooms in my mind. I look down at my feet, my eyes ticking back and forth as a momentous realization takes root in my psyche.
“This isn’t your mind.” I lift my chin and meet his eyes.
I raise my right arm and clutch the air. A horde of dinosaurs, Batmans, and lightsabers streak toward Beta Male, enveloping him in a barrage of Kent Fucking Wayne.
“No!” His eyes widen in pants-pissing horror, and he shields his face with both arms. “NOOOOOO!!!!”
OH yeah! That’s what you get for trying to pull some inception-style Matrix bullshit on me. Moo hoo ha ha!
Has someone tried to honey-dick your psyche into thinking that it’s actually theirs? Fuck THAT! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜