Twenty years ago, Kent Wayne attained psychic powers. A five mile radius around his San Francisco studio became known as the “Wayne Zone,” a region of the space-time continuum filled with inexplicable phenomena. It slowly expanded, gaining territory an inch at a time, eventually consuming the entire city, the Bay Area, and now a good chunk of the state of California. Whatever enters does not leave.
I’m the latest member of a twenty-person team. Choppering in with me are a squad of soldiers, a couple of hazmat specialists, and a handful of scientists with varying specialties. I have no idea why I was picked; I spend my day pleasuring myself to milf sites, reading comics, and making lightsaber noises with my mouth. I’m also cursed with a major deficiency: I’m hung like a gerbil.
We touch down at the edge of the Wayne Zone. It’s pretty freaky; miles and miles of rolling California hills suddenly transform into an oddity-filled landscape where the grass is comprised of tiny phalluses, all screaming “Feed me!” in tiny, high-pitched voices.
The soldiers form a staggered line. Us civilians take our place at the rear, and we start making our way into the Wayne Zone.
Several hours later, the penis-ground gives way to the Porn Forest, which I’ve only seen through high resolution satellite imagery. Thousands of trees dangle with outdated DVDs and Blu-rays, all gleaming with Kent’s favorite milf actresses.
After we emerge from the forest, we’re greeted by the sight of a river made purely from mountain dew. We slog across it, then through a vast field made entirely of pizza. Eventually, we come to a small hut on the top of a hill. There’s a single cracked window on the wall facing toward us. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing inside; it’s completely dark.
“Go on,” the captain in charge of the expedition nods at me. “You’re first.”
“Me?” I sputter. “You guys have guns! Why am I the one who—”
“Orders.” His face remains impassive. “We’re not gonna have a problem, are we?”
His soldiers turn toward me, and I’m suddenly uncomfortably aware of the M4 rifles gripped in their hands. They’re not pointed toward me, but still…
“All right all right,” I mutter. “I’ll go first.”
I make my way up to the hut, open its ramshackle door, and walk inside. Aside from a single table in the middle of the room, there’s no furniture whatsoever. I click my flashlight on and hold it up my cheek in an icepick grip, trying to keep my hand from shaking.
On the table is a switched-off eReader. Something compels me to open it. Its screen flashes, then blazes with one word:
“RUUUUUUAAAAHHHH!!!!” Swirls of energy run up and down my body, reaching into my psychic substrate and reminding me of who I really am:
I’m Kent fucking Wayne.
The Wayne Zone dissolves and flows into me, uniting my Man Child body with its externalized id. My wiener bursts from my pants and dangles from my pelvis like a third thigh.
The soldiers and scientists burst in the door and start weeping with joy. Their captain rushes forward and gives me a hug.
“We thought we’d lost you, Kent! Thank God!”
I return his hug and pat him on the back. “It’s all right, buddy—it’s allllll right. I’ll keep writing about robots, dinosaurs, and I’ll keep hitting on every soccer mom in a hundred mile radius.”
He takes a couple steps back, swiping the last of his tears away from his eyes. I put my hands on my hips and look around. My wiener dangles back and forth between my kneecaps, like a beat-up heavy bag that’s just been worked by a UFC champion.
There’s a long, awkward silence.
I clear my throat. “Um, yeah…so I’ll see you guys later…I got some stuff to do.”
They nod briskly, trying to conceal their mortification with an overenthusiastic barrage of assenting remarks.
I wait until they leave, then breathe a giant sigh of relief.
WHEW! Time to browse some milf sites! 😀
Are you a simple creature who wants nothing more than to watch some pew pew and fall asleep after busting a nut? Yeah—me too! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜