I adjust the mic clipped to my shirt, trying to keep my hands from shaking.
“Uh…not really sure why you guys invited me to speak at a TED talk…”
“Relax.” The sound tech helps secure it to my clothing, checks his tablet, and pats me twice on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine. Come on—you’re Kent Wayne, beloved indie author and muscle-bound goofy guy.”
“I don’t know…” I watch Elon Musk and Neil De Grasse Tyson pass by a few feet away. “I’m not like these guys; I think up stupid stories about giant robots and cybernetic dinosaurs.”
“You’ll be fine,” he reiterates. “The light’s green—you’re up, Kent. Go break a leg!”
THIRTY MINUTES LATER:
“BOOO!!!” A man in the audience stands up and points at me with a quivering forefinger. “BOO THIS MAN!”
I raise my hands and offer up my palms. “Okay, take it easy. Just—”
“YOU’RE A FUCKING HACK!”
“GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!”
“Wait!” I yell. “Just wait a—”
Mushy apples comes arcing toward me. A storm of rotten fruits follow in their wake, splattering me in gross, icky juices.
No way to salvage this. So I open my eReader, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Soccer moms emerge from everywhere, rappelling down from the ceiling, or superman punching their way up through the floor. They immediately begin snapping necks and breaking spines. One of them runs on the stages, reaches into my pants, and grabs hold of my wiener.
“IT’S HIM!” she screams to her fellow co-mom-dos. “UPCURVE AND GIRTH! BOTH MAGNIFICENT!”
She shields me with her body, clicks twice on a transmitter, and a giant armored SUV comes busting through the wall, blasting AC/DC’s “Shoot to Thrill.”
The mom hoists me onto her shoulder and sprints over to the passenger side door. She shoves me in the back and gives the twirly finger signal for “Let’s get the hell out of Dodge,” as she gets in the front. We go screaming off into the night.
Less than an hour later, we arrive at a secret Soccer Mom hideout, where I’m used like a cheap batch of Costco pie crust.
* ’70s porn music* 😀
Are you being booed by an unruly audience? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜