“Keep an eye out, Rok’thar.” I tread carefully across an expanse of dry, withered bones, scanning slowly to either side, as well as to our front and our rear. Torchlight glimmers off the flat of my sword.
“My eye is steady, Fight Brother Wayne.”
Unlike me, my fellow barbarian doesn’t have a torch. He’s wielding an enchanted longbow, a Whisperwind arrow nocked and drawn. JUST like me, he was trained in the academy for warriors known as The Forge; we were both made for blood and war.
I am pleased by what I see. Though our trappings be grim, they match up precisely with the directions we were given by a dying mage at a formation of rocks known as the Lildalian Twist. We haven’t been attacked, and this stirs mixed feelings within my heart; I know it is prudent to welcome peace, yet I cannot help but thirst for combat.
At last, we come to a large, cage-doored portal. Arrayed before it—mounted on a row of stakes—are the decapitated heads of long-dead adventurers. I utter an arcane phrase with the tonal drop I was taught must accompany it:
A groaning creak sounds through the air. The tines of the door begin creaking up into the ceiling, and puffs of mortar spill down from above. The chamber’s interior is mounded with jewels and coins. There are weapons and armor scattered throughout, but Rok’thar and I aren’t interested in what’s on the floor. Our eyes are drawn to the center of the room, where a squarish, waist-high column protrudes from the ground. Levitating above it is an ancient codex bound in retrorax hide. Though its pages be yellow and its cover spotted, a magic glow shines from its title:
Suddenly, we hear sinister laughter. It’s high-pitched and fair; I can’t be sure whether it belongs to a boy or a maiden.
“Eh heh. Ah hoo. Ah ha. Hee hee hee. Ho ho ho. Hahaha…AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
“Show yourself!” I shout. “Show yourself, if you be man enough to—”
Mounds of treasure begin bursting apart. Tweenage females charge without warning. As my ears fill with the crash of \ coins, I see that they’re all clad in pitch-black bands of armored leather. Their faces are streaked with dark war-paint, infused with generous helpings of cheap glitter. Though the armor protects their upper torso, it’s cut off at the belly; their exposed abdomens display a tattooed word, one that sends a chill down my battle-hardened spine:
“Hashtag Bieber!” one of them screams, sliding across the ground on both knees toward Rok’thar.
He looses his arrow. The missile shoots past his attacker, cracking against the wall and breaking in half. As the Belieber slides beneath his kilt, she reaches up, gripping his scrotum at its turgid base and ripping his genitals clean off.
Rok’thar drops to his knees, gasping in agony. The Belieber shoots to her feet and chucks his dick n’ balls in the direction she just came from. They fly past his shoulder and into the hands of another Belieber, who leaps into the air and catches his genitals in her right hand. She flies toward Rok’thar, scissoring her legs, generating additional torque with which to shoot her right arm forward and jam his penis into his own mouth. Before he can scream, another Belieber darts past him, opening his belly with a flat-headed sword. His guts spill from his torso and he collapses onto his side.
Before he dies, he locks eyes with me. He manages to mouth, “Avenge…me…” around a mouthful of his own cock.
My sword whirls through the air in figure-eights, snapping and sparking off a dozen blades. I spin and weave, side-kicking a Belieber in the stomach while barely ducking a wild swing from her sister daemon. I see another descending upon me and I charge forward, interrupting her leap with a shoulder-check to the chest. Another lunges at me and I duck her glaive, straightening up after she barrel-rolls across my lower back.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY ARMY OF TWEENAGERS, KENT! DID YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID TO YOUR FRIEND? RUMOR HAS IT THAT YOU’RE PACKING A TON OF HEAT IN YOUR MORONICALLY CHEERFUL UNDERWEAR…YOUR CORPSE WILL FEAST ON ITS OWN COCK FOR CENTURIES TO COME! AHAHAHAHA!!!”
I throw an elbow into a Belieber’s face, causing her to stumble back. I lock swords with another, then whirl tightly in place, kicking her feet out from under with a rising sweep. As she hits the deck I jackknife over her companion, collapsing into a swift roll. When I come to my feet, I sprint over to the codex labeled “Echo,” and open its pages, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My eyes blaze with eldritch lightning. My lips press tightly together, then draw back into a hateful grin.
“Thank you but no. Though my penis be delicious, I’d rather not taste it; I’ll leave that to the soccer moms.”
The energy surrounding me builds to a fever pitch, and a howling wind rushes through the chamber. The Beliebers shield their faces and crouch in place, lest they be blown off their feet. I’m unaffected by the kinetic barrage; I arch back, throw my hands out to either side, and tilt my head towards the ceiling, letting loose with a triumphant, savage scream:
My giant hog bursts from my pants and punches through the ceiling, shattering the stone and exploding through earth. Beliebers scream as tons of rock falls from above. My super-intelligent dick works at top speed, coiling through the air and slapping away debris so that I don’t get crushed. I whirl my cock like a lasso above my head, then throw it up and snag an outcropping.
Two tugs to make sure it’s secure, then I start climbing hand over hand, making my way out of this pop-music-infested hellhole. As I run from the dungeon I can’t help myself; the LOTR theme erupts from my mouth: “Daah daah dah dah DAAAAAHHHH…”
The adventures of Kent Wayne—giant-penised barbarian warrior and perennial Man Child—continue! 😀
In your quest to claim treasure, are you being assaulted by the Dark Lord Bieber’s evil minions? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜