Goddamn. The mosquitos out here are big enough to fuck a doberman.
I’m driving down some nameless highway in rebel country, passing by the best BBQs in all of America, chased by the twang of banjos and reedy harmonicas. Back in the day, folks around here would have called me a carpetbagger, but I’m not into catch-all labels, so whatever. Just to get in the spirit of things, I’ve stuck a blade of wheat grass into my mouth. As I chew away and bob my head, I cue Lynyrd Skynyrd up on my playlist.
But just as it comes on, I see a fleet of flashing police lights appear in my central rearview. Fuck. Didn’t realize I was going over the speed limit.
I pull over to the side, roll down my window, and place my hands at ten and two. Over the buzz of cicadas, I hear the roadway gravel creaking and crunching beneath a pair of patrolman’s boots. A few seconds later, it’s echoed by dozens of others. What the hell? I look into the driver’s side mirror, and watch as thirty cops walk up to my Jeep.
The lead one places a hand on the roof and brings his impassive, Ray-Ban-wearing face close to the window.
“Know why we pulled you over, son?”
“Uh, why are there thirty of you?” A bead of sweat trickles down my brow.
“I’ll ask the questions. Know why we pulled you over?”
“Because I was speeding?” I venture nervously.
“Naw. It’s ’cause we ain’t cops—we’re a passel of murderous rapists straight outta the movies.”
“Wait—WHAT?” I reach for the ignition, but he quick-draws a Dirty Harry-style .44 and presses it against the temple.
“Ease off the keys, butt-meat.”
I turn my head, slowly meeting his eyes. “You’re gonna fuck me in the ass, right?”
“Corr-rect. We’s gonna stuff you like a Thanksgiving turkey.”
“Then you’re gonna kill me, right?”
“Mmm-hmm. We sho’ is.”
“Then I have nothing to lose.” I dart my hand into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
An odd look steals over his face. He holsters his weapon and straightens up.
“Zeke?” one of his partners asks. “Sumthin’ wrong?”
“I…” his mouth works, then his face drops in utter dismay. “I feel compelled to tell the truth.”
From the corners of my sweat-stung eyes, I watch the other fake cops sidle forward, drifting their hands to the butts of their guns.
“What’re you talking about?”
“I…” a single tear trickles down Zeke’s cheek. “I like anime. I like Neil De Grasse Tyson. I listen to Hanson, Lady Gaga, and—”
“HOLY SHIT!” the closest fake cop yells. “HE’S BREAKING THE STEREOTYPE! SMOKE HIS ASS!”
“I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T WANT TO!” Zeke swivels toward them and quick-draws his .44, fanning the hammer like an old-school cowboy as its giant muzzle bucks and roars. “AAAAHHHH!!!!”
The other fake cops scream and yell, and in a matter of seconds, I’m right in the middle of a modern day shootout from the OK Corral. I gun the ignition, stomp the gas, and breathe a giant sigh of relief as I speed down the road.
Butthole integrity remains at 100% WHEW!
Have you been accosted by a stereotypical mob of deviants straight out of Deliverance? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜