“FUCK YOU, KENT WAYNE! YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME—I’M RICHARD FUCKING GERE! AHAHAHAHA!!!”
I, Kent Wayne, protector of Soccer Mom City, swing from flagpole to flagpole and rooftop to rooftop using my giant, sentient wiener. Every so often, I hop off a stone gargoyle as I pursue Richard Gere through the wind-whipped skies. He’s butt-ass nekkid and flying away on a one-man gyrocopter, pooping out gerbils like nobody’s business.
“THE RUMORS WERE TRUE!” he screams. “THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD KEEP MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE GERBILS I STUFF IN MY ASS! WELL GUESS WHAT, WAYNE? JOKE’S ON THEM! NOW IS THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT!”
Every gerbil is packing a deadly weapon. Some of them are ninjas. Others are wearing jetpacks, armed with a bevy of ion repeaters. I twist and spin past dozens of butt-rodents, desperately trying to keep up with Gere. If it was just the gyrocopter, I could probably catch him, but throw in the brainwashed (buttwashed?) gerbils, and it’s a no-go. I’ve only got seconds before the barrage of fecalized furries overwhelm me and feast on my entrails.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Kent Wayne’s head hinges open and I backflip out. Wind screams past my cute little ears as I bare my teeth in a take-no-shit snarl.
Yep—you guessed it. It is I: True Hamster.
I’m the hamster inside Kent’s head, the one that powers his mind by running on a tiny little wheel. I estimate there’s less than a minute before Kent becomes street pizza, so I gotta make this fast; I have to maneuver past these brainwashed gerbils and take out their crazy AF master.
So I pop my stubby limbs out, spreading open the state-of-the-art, hamster wingsuit I’ve got strapped to my body. In a matter of seconds, I’m screaming through the heavens, veering at breakneck speeds through a cloud of murderous, poop-covered gerbils. As I gain elevation and streak over Richard Gere’s gyrocopter, I pull the quick-release catch on a bandolier of grenades I’ve got strapped to my chest.
Richard Gere looks over his shoulder, his eyes widening in horror. “No! NO!!! I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE, TRUE HAMSTER!!! DAAAAMMMNNN YOOOOUUUUUUU—”
Pkew pkew! PKEWPKEWPKEW PKEWWWWWWW!!!!”
Gere’s gyrocopter spirals away, a smoking mess of flaming steel. At the same time, I pin my arms back, straighten my legs, and transition into a nose dive. My whiskers flutter against my cheeks as I rocket toward Kent Wayne’s open skull-hatch. Will I make it? Will I be able to reconnect with the host-body in time to keep it from going splat?
The hatch closes over me and I plug back into my haptic interface, taking control of Kent Wayne’s body once again.
You bet your fucking ass I’m gonna make it. Ha HA! HABEAS HAMSTER, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Do you need to unleash the hamster inside your skull? I’ve got just the thing! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜