“AAGGHH!!! THHHPPPTTT!!!” I sputter and spit as a fire-hose-worthy stream of urine barrages my face. “GOD FUCKING—PHBBBBTTT!!!”
“That’s enough R. Kelly.”
Adulting Academy’s Chief Enforcer, Doosh, nods curtly at one of his hooded lieutenants, who yanks sharply back on R. Kelly’s neck-chain. R. Kelly stumbles sideways, straightens up, and belts out, “I’M GON’ PISS ON YOU!” in his industry-trained voice, filling the torture chamber with rich, sonorous melody.
As they lead him away, Doosh steps closer, grinning his evil Adulting grin. “Well, Kent? Are you ready to cast aside your Man Child ways, and finally submit to the world of Adulting?”
“Never.” Pop star urine drips from my nose and hair, forming into yellow-tinged puddles by my manacled feet. “I’ll never join you.”
Doosh’s face twists in anger. He shakes his leather-gloved fist at me. “We WILL make you into a proper adult, Kent Wayne!”
“Ain’t gonna happen,” I rasp.
“VERY WELL!” Doosh bellows. “BRING IN THE FOOD MOANER!”
Irma Horfendorff, my Crazy Ex and Professional Food Moaner, comes strolling into the torture chamber. She begins shoveling an assortment of obscenely expensive foods into her mouth, letting loose with soul-rending proclamations of how good each morsel is.
“MMMMM….MRRROOOHGODDDD…you HAVE to try this, Kent!”
I squinch my eyes shut. “Please,” I whisper. “Stop.”
My eyes fill with blood. It begins leaking down my cheeks. I feel my organs lurching and rumbling, threatening to burst out my anus and splatter the cold cement floor with gory rorschachs.
I throw my head back and let loose with a long, anguished scream.
Doosh leans in close, grinning like the Joker, and begins peppering with me with questions.
“Which fork is the salad fork, Kent? When is ‘i’ NOT before ‘e’? What’s five times five?”
I cough up another glob of blood, then manage in a hoarse, trembling voice: “Five times five is…FUCK YOU!”
Then I rip an arm free, reach into my pocket, and open my eReader to Echo. Magic flash.
A blaze of wondrous energy begins gathering in my right palm. Within its spherical swirl, I see good old-fashioned, get-poop-done, honest-to-jeez-faced basics: Aristotelian logic, financial prudence, and (as she loved to pester me with inane queries and simultaneously tried to raise her self-esteem through blatant exaggerations) the very bane of Irma’s existence:
I rip the other arm free, bring both palms together, and shoot my hands out in front of my body like Ryu in Street Fighter. My Common Sense Hadouken flies toward Doosh and Irma, and before they vanish in a geyser of blood and Gross, I see their eyes widen in absolute horror.
Ha HA! No spawn of Adulting can withstand my Common Sense Fireball!
(I call it the Fuckdouken.) 😀
Has your crazy-ass ex joined forces with the undead head of Adulting Academy, and is now trying to shape your mind into a neat-looking cog that’ll be slowly ground down by an uncaring corporation? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜