“KENT WAYNE! Reeoptrix mortholion vendiashoo GOO!”
“Elkolious hurdenfeld orscopolfield SLIB!”
I’m back in my old marriage, where—despite my wife and I being able to speak fluent English—I couldn’t understand a word she was saying!
Irma Horfendorff storms into the bedroom, shoos my dogs off me, and pours a cup of apple cider vinegar in my face. I roll off the bed and onto the floor, screaming and wailing, clutching at my burning eyes with shaking fingers. At the same time, my sentient wiener rears back and unleashes a long, wolf-like howl.
“Sildani mcgibblets!” She kicks me in the ribs.
“Nerkopolis andante!” She kicks me again.
She barrages my skull with a storm of slaps, then shoves a Kay’s catalog in my face. Every diamond accoutrement she wants me to buy has been circled in thick, angry lines of sharpie.
“MORE!” she screams. “MORE MORE MORE!”
“OKAY OKAY!” I yell. “More diamonds—I GET IT!”
She begins chasing me around the house, beating me about the head and shoulders with the rolled-up catalog. I’m scurrying back and forth, hands covering my head, flinching each time she scores a hit.
“OW! FUCK! SHIT!”
I can’t take this. So I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The Indiana Jones theme plays through the air, and Harrison Ford leaps in through the window. He uncoils his whip and begins cracking the air around Irma.
“Back! Back, I say!”
I uncoil my wiener and begin doing the same. She flinches back, hissing and cursing from the snaps and pops.
Indy turns to me and shouts, “Let’s get the hell out of here!”
We both charge out the window. He uses his whip like a grappling hook, and I use my wiener. As we slingshot away, grapnel-ing on to trees and flagpoles, Irma runs outside and shakes her fist at us.
“Ahibidinug! Muck nuk roldesious arfenblok! DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE!!! DAAAAAMMMMNNN YOOOOOUUUUuuuuu…..”
Ha HA! Kent Wayne escapes again! 😀
Is your crazy-ass ex trying to destroy your finances? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜