This may come as a surprise, but being an indie author doesn’t mean you’re rolling in the dough, snorting coke off hookers’ starfishes. More often than not, it means staring blankly at a screen for hours on end, then swearing loudly and powering through a vigorous jerk-sesh to ease some of the tension.
Point is, I gotta do something else to pay the bills.
After the sun sets, I make my way over to the Tenderloin, where I whisper a secret phrase to a giant guy in a tight shirt. He uncrosses his massive arms, gives me a curt nod, and lets me into a secret underground chamber in the heart of San Francisco. Basically, I work at a hidden club where I lift weights in a tank top and booty shorts while soccer moms clap, whistle, and molest me. It’s not the most dignified way to keep the lights on or put food on the table…but hey—I get paid to work out. Same reason I joined the military.
As I grunt and sweat through a set of squats, sets of manicured hands give me firm squeezes or pats on the backside. I rack the bar, then chug down an egg-n-Wheybolic shake, with an extra fistful of vitamin D and several scoops of D-aspartic acid to send my testosterone rocketing up to unprecedented levels. A fresh round of whistles flood the room.
“Look at that little tuft of hair poking out of his shirt! It’s just the right amount!”
“I can SMELL the sperm building in his ballsack!”
“Oooh…he’s all glisten-y and veiny…like his arms and legs are half-wiener!”
I give them a perfunctory smile and get under the bar. I lower down, then push back up. HHRRNNNGHHH!!! One. MRRRGGHHH!!! Two. I feel the manliness and aggression building within me, and—
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!”
Screams erupt throughout the club. I rack the bar and cast a confused glance around, panting heavily. They’re all pointing at me, howling in terror and disgust.
“HE JUST SPROUTED HAIR ON HIS SHOUDLERS!”
“TOO MUCH—TOO FUCKING MUCH!”
“OH GOD—I CAN’T LOOK! HAIRY SHOULDERS MAKE ME—BLUUUUUUHHHHH!!!!”
All around me, soccer moms begin retching, coating the floor with streams of vomit. Some of them begin seizing. Others try to perform CPR on their unconscious friends. I drop to my knees and clutch the air, streams of tears pouring down my face.
“AH GOD I’M SORRY!!!!” I DIDN’T MEAN IT!”
Only one option left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
ZzzeozeoZWIP! Time rewinds. I’m getting ready to do a set of squats. My shoulders are smooth and hairless. I look around at the crowd of leering soccer moms and throw them an awkward, apologetic grin.
“Ah…sorry—gotta go. Just realized I have to babysit some puppies.”
Some of them boo, some of them pout, and some of them bring their fists up to their face, shaking them in delighted tremors, squealing approvingly at the prospect of a muscly guy frolicking around with some adorable fur-babies.
I walk out of the club and get back in my car, shaking my head in disbelief.
Hairy shoulders. Fuck.
Have you accidentally overdone it on the testosterone-boosting lifestyle, and sprouted a mass of unsightly follicles atop your boulder-shoulders? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜