“God DAMMIT!” I raise my furry paws to shield my face as a bunch of giggly neurons blast out from Kent Wayne’s Prefrontal Cortex. Giant-ass Amygdala swivels from side to side, blurting statements that are either fearful or angry. I slap him twice but he keeps gibbering. After I wrestle him to the floor, I reach back with my hind leg and kick Hippocampus back into place.
I’m the hamster that runs Kent Wayne’s brain: True Hamster. This is what I do on a daily basis.
Fuck my life.
Optical shoots me a fresh range of pics. I look up at the command monitor and see a spoonful of paste arcing up toward Kent Wayne’s mouth. Ga-LUMPH!
“MMMMMM!!!” Kent Wayne’s disgusting, mouth-breathy food-moan echo throughout the confines of his skull. I resist the urge to squinch my eyes shut; the volume is nothing short of agonizing.
The mouthful of Elmer’s triggers a flood of serotonin, which blasts me in the face like a goddamn fire hose. “PHHHBBT! GOD FUCKING—FUCK!!!” I spit and cough, wiping my eyes with the backs of my paws. Cock and Balls start shouting at me through their neurotransmitter comm-link.
“Hey, when the FUCK are we gonna get laid??? True Hamster, if you’re fucking off up there, then there’s gonna be FUCKING HELL TO PAY!”
“Don’t get uppity with me, Cock! Don’t you fucking START WITH M—”
“Or WHAT? Or WHAT? Guess what, fur-fucker? I am taking control of this fucked-up half-ape! You done gone and PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF!”
Cock and Balls rev up the testosterone production and flood the entire body with the desire to make sex with a soccer mom. All around me, Kent’s higher functions settle into a monotonous, repetitive chant:
“Make the SEX. Make the SEX. Make the—”
On the command monitor, I see Kent run out the door, then the view dips as he reverts to his half-ape nature and starts galloping through the suburbs on all fours. The ear canal reverberates with his primitive grunts and slobbery cries. Eventually, his paste-glommed mouth starts chanting along with the rest of his body:
“Make the SEX! Make the SEX! Ooh-hoo ooh-hoo ooh-hoo ook ook AWK!”
FUCK! If I don’t do something soon, we’re all gonna get maced or tased!
So I open my tiny rodent eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Right Hand comes into play, yanking down his booty shorts. Feet tangle up, and he lands on his back in Mrs. Johnson’s lawn. Right Hand starts jerking Cock like he was a maximum-strength shake weight.
“NOOOOOO!!!” Cock howls. “Not ag-ag-ag-agai-agai-again!!!!” The rest of his words are lost in a blur of fingers.
On the command monitor, I see soccer moms stop what they’re doing and watch Kent wrestle with his mighty wiener. One of them pokes her head through a window, the sill topped by a cooling pie. Another stops doing lunges in her driveway (yoga pants—YES!) and gawks at Kent Wayne’s big ol’ ape-wiener. Another pulls up in a giant SUV, and tuck-n-rolls out of the driver-side door.
They all run up to Kent Wayne and exchange panicked looks.
“We need to help him!”
“What the hell do we DO, though???”
“We’ve got hands and mouths, don’t we? We could—”
Chika-BOWWOW! *70s porn music* 😀
Are you an overworked brain hamster, tasked with ensuring that your host-body doesn’t go buck-freakin’-nuts from the desire to pleasure its naughty bits? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜