“BOOORDER-LINE!” I belt out. “FEELS LIKE I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND! YOU JUST KEEP ON PUSHING MY LOVE…OVER THE BORDERLINE! (over the bordeline)” I start twerking in a circle in the narrow space afforded by my cubicle. “Keep pushing me baby, keep pushing me baby, keep pushing my—”
“Kent! Why the FUCK are you having fun during MOTHERFUCKING OFFICE HOURS???”
I freeze in place. My boss comes over and slaps me twice across the face. Wh’pap SMACK! Then he shoves me in the chest, causing me to stumble back onto my office chair. As I whirl around on its ergonomically crafted swivel, he slaps me two more times and kicks me in the nuts.
“Guuuhhh…” I bend over and clutch my hairy necessaries.
“Wait a second—” My boss’s eyes narrow. He gives my bicep a squeeze. “You’ve been working out!” He yanks open my desk drawer and gasps in outrage. “Protein bars, high-quality multivitamins, d-aspartic acid…” he levels an accusatory finger at my face. “YOU’RE IN VIOLATION OF ACCOUNTANT RULE 3209 ALPHA, ARTICLE 5, PARAGRAPH 32! NO ACCOUNTANT SHALT HAVE MORE THAN A SINGLE NANOGRAM OF TESTOSTERONE RUNNING THROUGH THEIR BLOODSTREAM!”
“No—I swear,” I murmur, clutching my throbbing ballsack. “They’re someone else’s. I’m just like you; I’m just like everyon—”
“You’re coming with me.” He grabs me by the ear and begins marching me towards the elevator. “Swear to God, Kent, if the lab-work shows that you’ve been eating healthy or lifted a weight in the last six months, then—”
“TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY ACCOUNTANT!” I rip free of his grasp and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Gandalf materializes in front of me in a magic squat rack, knocking out reps on the barbell. “Join me, Kent!”
I raise my hands to my face as Batman appears in a blinding burst of light, five meters right of Gandalf. He’s also in a squat rack knocking out reps in his robin-from-the-80s short-shorts, flexing his giant quads and rippling glutes. “I’m with you, Kent! Join us!”
Chuck Norris rappels down from the sky, crashing through the high-rise window in a scatter of glass. As he hits the ground he tucks and rolls, then whips out a 150 lb. dumbbell. He starts doing bicep curls with his left hand while he vigorously jerks his wiener with his right. “Come on, you weak-sauce millennial! Join us before you turn commie!”
I start knocking out burpees, grunting out a spirited, “FUCK YOU!” to my boss each time my hands fly into the air. Chuck Norris isn’t the only one who’s aroused; me, Gandalf, and Batman are both sporting massive, throbbing woodies from our totally hetero, bro-time-rad-sick-gnarly workout sesh. As our faces redden and sweat springs from our gloriously manly pores, our quivering meat-sticks burst from our pants.
My accountant office-mates shield their faces with their pasty forearms; they look like ring-deprived Gollums dressed in business casual. Fountains of sperm jet from our boners, reducing every office-drone into a bleached set of bones and scraps. Not only that, but the gray cubicles and lifeless contours of everyone’s workspace begins morphing and changing. Soon, we’re standing in a decked out Man Cave.
We four home-bros let loose with barbarian screams of triumph.
“I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!”
“WE DID IT GUYS—WE FUCKING DID IT!”
Then we place our hands on our hips, panting heavily and exchanging heartfelt smiles. Our wieners are still out. As the seconds tick by, the awkwardness reaches levels of epic proportions.
Chuck clears his throat.
Gandalf: “Right, um, I’ve gotta—”
Batman: “See you around!” He dives out the window.
And though it was a moment of undeniable triumph, Chuck, Gandalf, Batman and me never mentioned that day, when we came together (both literally and figuratively) and repulsed the forces of office-borne drudgery.
(Let us never speak of this again.)
Are you ready to fight back against your Corporati oppressors by any means necessary? Let’s DO THIS! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜