“What’s up Kent Wayne, you carnivorous-as-fuck dragon, you?”
“Ah, not much Cynosure.” I flap my big-ass wings a couple of times, riding high on a series of thermals. “Just ate some knights, defeated a wizard in mind-to-mind combat, and took a giant shit in a human water reservoir. You know—the usual.”
Cynosure chuckles. “I love shitting in lakes. I used to place bets with my friends; we’d pick a target lake without any inhabitants, then we’d each pick a human colony. We’d keep shitting in the humans’ water reservoirs and forcing them to move. Whoever made their humans move to the target lake would win the bet.”
“I think I’d be pretty good at that I can squeeze out twenty or thirty dooks a day. All about the size of a small village.”
“Damn!” Cynosure raises a scaly eyebrow. “The other guys manage ten shits per day…at the MOST! Let’s partner up! We could be rolling in treasure!”
“Sure.” I shrug my bony arches. “I dook all over the place anyways, so why not?”
“Excellent!” A gleam of light slides across his slitted pupil. His lips peel back, revealing his enormous teeth. “Alright let’s go talk smack to Jinstantophax and—”
We both look down and spot a dozen human sorceresses giving us the finger.
I glance over at Cynosure. “What the hell? You piss off some mages?”
An uneasy look. “Bro, I’ve lived for over twenty-thousand years. I lose track of who I piss off.”
“AFTER TAKING SHAPE AS A BIG-DICKED ELF, YOU MADE SEX WITH US AND PROMISED YOU’D CALL! I’M TALKING TO YOU, KENT FUCKING WAYNE!”
“Oh SHIT!” My eyes widen, and puffs of panicked flame burst from my nostrils. “MY SOCCER MOM EXES!!! QUICK—LOOSE YOUR BOWELS!”
We relax our sphincters and eject a foul stream of fantasy-world feces. Half-digested armor and partially dissolved heads come tumbling out our poop chutes, turning the plains below into a reeking Golgotha.
The sorceresses tamp their staves upon the ground and conjure blue-green force fields around their bodies. “YOU’VE TRIED TO KILL US WITH YOUR FARTS BEFORE, WHEN WE WERE CUDDLING UNDER THE BLANKETS. IT’S OUR TURN, KENT!”
They raise their staffs at us. Long streams of weaponized sigils erupt from their ends, coating me and Cynosure in hostile magics. Cyno gets the brunt of it; he spirals to the ground, his smoking wings wrapped tightly around his carcass. As for me, my butthole gets singed by a blast of magic missile and cone of frost. FUCK!
No way I can outmaneuver these eldritch crazies. So I reach beneath my “carry-scale” (a large scale that’s slitted at the top end, allowing me to conceal various items against my torso) and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Giant handfuls of romcom blu-rays fill my talons. I unclench my fingers, and a storm of George Clooney, Ryan Gosling, and Hugh Grant twinkles down from the sky. The soccer moms can’t help themselves; they scurry back and forth, grabbing as much WASPY humor and heartfelt suburban drama as they possibly can.
Man, I never thought I’d say this, but thank FUCK for romcoms! Whew!
Are you a legendary beast who just wants to dook and add to his treasure horde? Yeah—me too! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜