Bitefighter—my loyal little buddy, 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire, and 83rd level intellect—turns away from his chalkboard and throws a jumbo-sized bag of biscuits & gravy Lay’s potato chips at my head. It bounces off my temple and I go scrabbling after it on all fours, worrying it open with my teeth before maowing down on ’tatos with unabashed fury.
“Rowf mcbark arfarfalous roo!” (That’s Terrier for: “Quit freaking out, you stupid big-wienered human!”)
I’m too busy stuffing my face to respond. OMNOMPFGLOMPFMOMPF!
Bitefighter sighs, looks over the top of his doggy spectacles at his chalkboard, checking his p-values against his array of akindras, then strides up to me, his tiny paws clasped behind his tiny lab coat.
“Arfo mcrowf. Roofskies.” (“Kent, you can’t go galloping through the studio every time there’s a thunder storm. It’s a safety hazard.”) He tightens the straps down on my six-packed-emblazoned Thunder Shirt, then affectionately tussles my hair. “Barko rowfpocalypse.” (“That’s a good human. Goooooood human.”)
Suddenly, the lights go dark. A flash of thunder illuminates the studio in stark, strobe-light relief. Beyond Bitefighter’s furry form, I spot a shadowed head peering at us, its slit-eyed pupils gleaming with sinister malice.
“AAAAAHHHH!!!!” I shoot a finger past Bitefighter and he swivels around, trying to see what I’m pointing at. “AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!”
The lights come back on. An orange cat is standing in the middle of the room, grinning sadistically.
“Hello, Bitefighter. Let’s dispense with the pretense, shall we? Speaking Human is SO much easier.”
Bitefighter takes off his glasses and lays them on a desk. “Snooty Nuts. You’ve stooped to a new low. Breaking and entering? Really?”
Snooty Nuts responds with a dismissive wave. “Spare me your two-legged platitudes. You’ve grown soft, caring for the mentally challenged lummox known as ‘Kent Wayne.’ ”
“And you’ve grown cruel,” Bitefighter retorts. “I know all about your tribe’s tendency to eat your owners’ faces, once they pass from the world of the living.”
“Can you blame us?” Snooty Nuts examines his nails, chuckling. “Faces taste amazing.”
“Enough of this.” Bitefighter hunches over, raising his forepaws into a fighting stance. “Prepare to meet the Labrador in the Sky.”
Snooty Nuts stops pacing. His grin widens. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
“TERRIERS ETERNUS!” Bitefighter charges toward the cat.
“FELINES FAC FORTIA!” Snooty Nuts matches him step for step.
A second later, they’re exchanging an intricate series of traps and strikes—it’s like watching 10 lb. versions of Neo and Agent Smith. Bitefighter spins into a wheel-kick and Snooty Nuts drops, whipping his leg around in a kung-fu sweep. He kicks out Bitefighter’s support leg, but my buddy break-falls and kips up as soon as he hits the ground. He launches into an aerial twist, flashing out two crazy-angled kicks toward Snooty Nuts’s face. Snooty Nuts slips under one leg and grabs the other, judo-throwing Bitefighter across the room. My buddy collapses into a roll and springs to his feet.
They both circle each other, breathing heavily.
“Ever seen Bloodsport?” Snooty Nuts asks. “Bolo got it wrong—he didn’t need any poison dust; he should’ve used his own brand. CUP OF CHEESE!” He reaches behind him, farts into his paw, and flings it into Bitefighter’s face. Bitefighter stumbles back, gasping and coughing.
“NEVER MADE LOVE TO A DOG BEFORE!” Snooty Nuts presses the attack, blattering Bitefighter’s face and body with a wild series of hooks and straights. “BUT I’M ABOUT TO HAVE NONCONSENSUAL SEX WITH YOUR FACE AND YOUR BUTT, BITEFIGHTER!”
Bitefighter loses his balance and crashes to the floor, hacking and sputtering. “Kent…*cough cough* HELP ME KENT!”
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Appliances begin glowing and shaking, flying toward my embattled buddy. As soon as they make contact, they flatten into light-limned plating, coating his fur in techno-organic splendor. Diode-rich wires branch across him, linking up with each other as they spindle over his body. Mechanized boots form on his feet, and a machine-sentient chassis forms on his torso. The coolest set of doggles EVER forms over his eyes.
Snooty Nuts takes a step back, his paws raised in a let’s-take-it-easy-here gesture. “Uh…I didn’t really mean what I said about the nonconsensual—”
Below his doggles, Bitefighter’s lips curve into a ferocious grin. “Eat smegma, Snooty Nuts.” Then he flicks his wrists, and state-of-the-art vacuum wands extend from his hands.
Snooty Nuts’s eyes widen a little bit more. “Hey, take it easy with those, okay? Those aren’t toys, Bitefi—”
Bitefighter charges, his vacuum’d-up hands roaring at full blast. Snooty Nuts yowls and jumps out the window, and my mechanized buddy pursues him, barking and yipping in utter glee.
That’s why dogs are better than cats—they feed you ’tato chips, tighten your Thunder Shirt, and possess the ability to transform into a canine force for robotic justice. 😀
Is some dickhead cat all up in your biz, looking down at you for being a human? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜