The blank page.
And on it: that blinking cursor.
What to write. What to wriiiiite…what to write what to write what to write…murderous accountants? Nah. Insectoids? Done it. Farts? Done it a billion times over. Same with soccer moms, Steven Seagal, sentient sperm, rogue genitals…hmm….
I get up from my computer and crack a cold mountain dew. I chug it, belch, and chuck it over my shoulder.
Then I do it again. And again. And again.
A LOT OF CRYING (AND SEVEN JERK-SESSIONS) LATER:
I sit up from the floor, burp, and look dazedly around, my hair a wispy mess above my red-ringed eyes.
Murrghh…still gotta write. I sit back down at my desk. After several minutes I plink five letters out on the keyboard:
P E N I S
No. NO! AAAAAAHHH!!! If this was a piece of paper, I’d ball it up and fucking gulp it down! I rocket out of my seat and run circles around my studio, waving my hands above my head and voicing wild gibbers. Glibberty flibberty foo! Orfendorf McBorf! Bibbity bobbity FUCK!
I rip off my clothes and collapse onto my belly, sweating and heaving. My Bat-symboled speedos rise in time with my heavy, resigned breaths.
And then I see it:
I reach over to it and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The Old Neighbor from Family Guy appears before me, his kind eyes crinkling with a smile.
“Well hello there, beautiful writer fella.”
I stagger up to my knees, a long string of drool hanging from my mouth. “Can you…can you give me an idea for a story?”
“I sho’ can! You just gotta kiss my wiener.”
“Uh…I’m not a fan of wieners. Except for my own, that is. Any other options?”
His face twists with hate. “You’s a teasing little shit, Kent Wayne! But fine—you can do it the other way. The BORING way.”
He dematerializes, and someone begins to rematerialize in his stead. When the light and sparkles have faded and dimmed, I find myself looking at a sultry-smiling Jessica Rabbit.
My tongue lolls from my mouth. “What do I have to kiss?”
She winks at me. “I was just about to ask you that.”
*70s porn music* OH yeah! 😀
Are you in need of a magical intervention to vanquish your writer’s block? Not a problem! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜