Martha Stewart sinks into a semi-crouch, using her body weight to pull the archaic lever which activates the torture-geared pulley system. clink-clink-clink-CLINK. My body—I’m cuffed by my wrists and ankles to a rusty set of chains that thread up into the ceiling and down into the pulley—raises a few more feet towards the ceiling. She ratchets it again—clink-clink-clink-CLINK—and I clack up another few feet. My naked backed presses against the interrogation chamber’s cold, wet ceiling.
She grins malevolently and cracks her knuckles. “Time to work my spinning wheel kick and number two backfist. This shit is ON, Kent!” Then she flits her hand at me, launching a pair of shuriken that slice through the clasps on my favorite pair of adult diapers. They fall to the floor and she kicks them to the side.
“NO!” I scream. My enormous wiener unravels from my waist—flippa-flippa-flippa-fa-POOP—and bounces to and fro, hanging and dangling like a giant heavy bag with a Spartan helmet affixed to the bottom.
For the next few minutes, Martha Stewart pummels my shaft and head with a lightning-fast series of punches and kicks. My anguished cries emanate from the dungeon and send a flock of birds into rustling flight. After she’s finished, she takes a long pull from her water bottle, wipes her forehead, and slings a gym towel across her neck.
“Good workout, Kent. Watch the ‘head movement.’ AHAHAHAHAHA!” She walks out of the room, and her evil laughter trails back from the hallway.
My wiener turns its battered pee-slit up to me and croaks, “I…am…sorry…master.”
“Never call me that!” I blubber tearfully. “We were always the best of friends, you and I! Hang in there Wiener—we can still make it out of here!”
It slumps back down. “I…just want…to rest.”
I scream and beg, but Wiener remains silent. Then my eyes catch on an object on the floor; after Martha sliced through my diaper, something tumbled out from one of its hidden compartments:
“Wiener! If you can touch my eReader, then we can activate its magic and get the hell out of here!”
Wiener takes a long, shuddering breath. “I…will…try.” He begins swinging back and forth, like some enormous, ungodly pendulum.
“Come on!” I buck my hips, trying to squeeze out a bit more slack to give Wiener a few more inches of reach. “HHHHNNGGGHHH!!!”
“Yes!” Wiener cries as he brushes his glans against the surface of the eReader. “YES!”
“Come on!” I yell. “Get longer! Think of soccer moms! COME ON!”
Wiener clicks the eReader’s surface, opening it to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“RUAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” Incandescent runes and equations surround Wiener, enveloping him in a blazing sheath of arcane magic. His purple-helmeted face transforms into a vicious velociraptor-head, and four X-wing s-foils sprout from the side of his girthy shaft. Light-woven armor begins sectioning across him, and he flexes his base, hoisting me onto a force-fielded saddle right above the part where the veins disappear. I duck down like Luke Skywalker when he was on top of a speeder bike in the forest of Endor.
Wiener’s speaker-boosted voice echoes back to me: “WEAPONS SYSTEMS ACTIVE.”
Pchew pchew pchew! Four turbo lasers blast through the dungeon wall, revealing the skyline of the tropical island upon which Martha has constructed her evil prison. As Wiener’s thrusters fire up, Martha comes rushing in, her eyes wide with shock and fury.
I turn around, give her the finger, and we blast off.
I catch one last glimpse of her standing in the laser-charred cavity of my former cell, shaking her fist at me and howling in rage.
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNN YOOOOUUUUUuuuuuuuu….”
Ha HA! The adventures of Kent Wayne and his best buddy—Sentient Wiener—continue! 😀
Has an unstoppable Food Network tycoon trapped you in a dank prison? Is she intent on beating the life and love out of your beloved genitalia? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜