Whether I’m at fault or not, I like to assume the blame (not the guilt) to position my imagination so I can consider all solutions I might have employed, exactly as if I WAS at fault. I find this infinitely more effective—as I’m extending my consideration to every single action I might have taken to nullify the negative outcome—than wasting my creativity on making up excuses, or drawing up elaborate systems designating who failed me at what point in time.
Taking on blame is one of the most empowering things I have ever done.
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An interesting stance.
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I’ve come across this tactic as Radical Accountability, and as a married man who is always wrong anyway, it’s worked wonders! Though you gotta remember it’s not a tactic and not another way to wriggle out of problems, you really gotta be honest with yourself, otherwise it’s just lip service.
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Yeah, you gotta do something about problems, or at least be able to articulate why you’re not doing something. I agree, and I used to be married myself, so I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about! 🙂
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Have you done it even if it wasnt just you to blame in the first place?
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For me? I do it especially when I think I’m not to blame. The thing is if you believe that nothing happens to you, that everything that happens comes from your own mind, then no matter the situation there is always at least some blame/responsibility of your own. At least that’s my interpretation of it, usually you can always find something that you’ve done to contribute to the problem.
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But isnt there a bitter taste in the end? Holding only yourself accountable and seeing the other party being ok with it like they have no responsibility whatsoever?
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Well if I’m looking at it from the perspective of trying to assign blame, then sure, but if I do it right all it’s about is taking responsibility for my actions. I can’t be responsible for the other person and so long as I own up to the truth then I’m happy. Usually it’s all about conflict resolution with someone I love and so if they hear you owning up then it’s easier for them as well.
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I guess we do what we believe is right without having any expectations. And we can only control our own actions and feelings. Conflict is hard to deal with
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We do the best we can with what’s in front of us. Because that’s all we can do. 🙂
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Agree! Be effective, then use the bounty of that effectiveness to help pull others up when you can. That’s basically what I’m getting at. The blame game is a quick way for me to become mired in ineffectiveness, unless my opponent is using it strategically, in which case I have to do the same, but the intent is effectiveness, not soothing my ego.
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Personally, not for me. I let my opponent get away with that small “win” so that I can hone my capabilities, and remain focused on effectiveness, rather than blame. Now if widespread blame is influencing my effectiveness, then I need to start strategically employing propaganda (making sure people know why I’m doing what I’m doing, and what I intend to do in the future), in order to make sure I can do my job without interference. This is how I see it anyway.
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Indeed! The technique is meant to ensure that you’ve made every possible effort to rectify the situation. The focus then shifts from blame to effectiveness.
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My opinion is that announcing I’m at fault is usually the right thing to do if I’m in a leadership position, but it has to be followed up with what I’m gonna do it about it (change in methodology, or implementation of new controls based on evidence-based assessment) and when. I think I get your point though; I’m not going to go claiming responsibility for a murder I read about it in a newspaper.
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Well, no not murder, but assuming there’s a situation where you feel both parties are to blame, will you take full responsibility when you realise that the other person just wants to continue being in conflict , even when you know that you are not the only one at fault? Hope I make sense.
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Yes. I took blame with my ex-wife all the time, and simply adjusted my routine or put a control in place that logically negated the issue. Then I proceeded to pursue my goals. In that case, it was just too much effort spent on the “blame game,” and even if I won, it wouldn’t have changed anything, because I had “won” against her in the past, and she still refused to acknowledge my point through substantive actions. People only change when they want to change, so I’m going to respect them, work around them, and continue on with my goals.
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It’s a bit painful though or maybe I’m overly sensitive. But blame game is consuming and like you said, people change when they want to. Thanks for the new perspective on things
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It’s incredibly painful. To me, it’s simply the lesser pain in the long run. Your welcome on the perspective, and thank the shower, haha! That’s where I get all my insights from. 🙂
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Oh yes, the shower, the place where philisophy and singing meet😊😊
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Where stars are born, LOL!
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Hi, you reminded me of the concept of owner and victim. We encounter these two types of individuals. Owners are those who accept responsibility and generally assume its their fault even when it isn’t. On the other hand victims are those who blame others or their situation. They complain and find fault with everything. They tend to assume that the fault isn’t of their making. It’s something of someone else outside of them. Great post. Thanks for the encouragement. Cheers
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Indeed! Thanks for the kind words! I just like to focus on being effective so I can help others out. Often, being effective means not getting drawn into the blame game. 🙂
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I’ve been doing this with all of my experiences lately and it’s very taxing to take total responsibility for everything. But, I understand the message you are sharing. I just take it too far.
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I’ve actually changed my view on this since I wrote it, in that I’d alter the verbiage if I had to say it now. “Blame” is too self-flagellating, imo, and I’d rather view it as guidance or a setup for future success. I grew up a Korean-American millennial with immigrant parents, so I’ve had to step away from a bunch of hard-nosed views that automatically assign negative self-worth
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