I shake around inside my shell, sloshing my viscous body back and forth.
The others grumble and mutter.
“IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING, THEN KENT WAYNE IS GONNA EAT US!!!”
Left 2, Upper Row says, “Jesus Christ, R1D, we’re fucking EGGS. Of course he’s gonna eat us—someone’s gonna eat us, or we’re going rotten.”
“Do you know what happens inside this dude?” I counter heatedly. “His sperm are constantly trying to mutiny and take over every function in his goddamn body! He gets tasered and maced on a regular basis, and he survives mostly off old pizza and mountain dew! Bro—he doesn’t even have a brain; his mind is powered by a HAMSTER ON A WHEEL!”
“So let’s use what little time we have left and attempt an escape. If we make it to another person’s fridge, we can at least be part of someone that doesn’t spend the better part of his day cradling his nuts and punishing his wiener.”
“I don’t know…” L3U ventures. “One wrong move and we’ll bleed out and die. I mean, even when we’re armored up in these cartons, about ten percent of us suffer some sort of crushing injury.”
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” I shout. “WE’RE GONNA DIE ANYWAY!”
“Okay,” L2D says. “Let’s do this.”
Through a careful—CAAAAAAREFUUUUL—system of rolls and taps, we manage to place enough pressure against a softer part of the fridge to crack the door open. Then we start descending one shelf at a time, using our limited knowledge of oval-bodied parkour to diffuse the momentum between each of our landings. As we hit the ground, L1D splats in half.
“HOLY FUCKING CHICKEN!” R1U screams. “I CAN SEE HIS INSIDES! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! I CAN’T—”
“Will you SHUT UP?” I hiss. “You’re gonna get us all killed unless—”
“End of the line for me, boys,” L3D whispers tightly. The curvier part of his shell is webbed with a small network of cracks. They’re centered around a gruesome wound where I can glimpse a little bit of yolk beyond his embryonic white. “Only a matter of time before I start drying up. Go on—I’ll only slow you down.”
I roll over to him and place my dome against his. “You’re a brave egg L3D. We’ll sing your praises when we hit the frying pan.”
“Get outta here.” He starts coughing. “You don’t need to see this.”
Suddenly, a giant voice booms: “GODDAMMIT! WHO THE FUCK LEFT THE FRIDGE OPEN???” Kent Wayne rushes in wearing nothing but booty shorts. “What the hell?”
“RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” I yell. We scatter in opposite directions but Kent Wayne starts squishing us with his feet, screaming that he’s being attacked by mutant eggs.
“AAGH!” L2U splats apart.
“HLLLGHHHRP!” R1D crumbles into a disgusting mess of fragments and yolk.
“NO! AH GOD PLEASE DON’T—” Kent Wayne kicks L2D with the ball of his foot, sending the hapless egg into the wall where he breaks apart with a gruesome SPLUTCH.
As the rest of my brethren are dispatched by this foul half-man, I roll desperately across the ground, praying to the Great Chicken to save my ass. Without intending to, I roll across his bare eReader, opening Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“RUAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” Blazing energy travels up and down my shell, reaching deep into my atoms and infusing them with power. Feathers sprout across my body, and talons extend from my bottom curve. In a matter of seconds I’ve grown a mouth and a beak, along with rudimentary wings.
Yeah motherfucker! I’m a goddamn—
“What the FUCK!” Kent Wayne screams. Then he tromps toward me, murder shining in his beady eyes. “You’re still a 2-foot tall chicken. There’s no way you can—”
“BU-CAW!” I squirt between his legs. He tries to grab me but I scrabble madly and squeeze through his hands. As I run across the lawn, he shakes his fist at me.
“FUCK YOU, MAGIC CHICKEN!”
No—fuck YOU, smelly human! BUCAW!
Are you a hapless egg, facing the prospect of being assimilated into one of the vilest humans imaginable? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜