It’s bring your kid to work day.
*Theme from Requiem for a Dream*
I see an adoring parent juggling their infant and I cut a quick left around Susan Marster’s cubicle, shading the side of my face with my hand so I reduce my chances of making inadvertent eye contact. Ten yards ahead, some five year old douchebag-to-be jams his index finger knuckle deep into his right nostril. When he pulls it out, I can see microorganisms crawling across his emerald-coated digit.
This is the one day out of the year where I take up smoking. Why? So I can get the fuck out of here and inhale a sweet lungful of chemically processed carcinogens. I see it as a worthy tradeoff; sure, I kill off some alveoli, but it’s better than subjecting myself to the pint-sized germ-factories that are now circulating throughout the office building.
I make it outside and look through the window. Suddenly, Jason Smith’s eyes go blank and lifeless. Kelly Holder’s face slacks and droops, and she full-on monkey-pounces Mark Forster, bringing him down with a savage bite right to the clavicle. Garret Keely ridge-hands Andrew Wakefield’s carotid artery. As Andrew falls, Garret reaches into his pants and rips off his genitals. He holds them high and screams in triumph before biting into em like they were a habanero slim jim.
What. The FUCK.
The door to the smoke pit busts open, and a horde of my fellow coworkers come flooding out, snarling and spitting. As I turn tail and run, I realize they’re all parents; somehow the stress and pain of raising a vampiric booger-factory has driven them all mad. They’ve become real life extras for the next installment to the 28 Days Later franchise.
One of them grabs my ankle and I fall to the cement. Another one bites savagely into my buttocks and I howl in terror.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A bunch of big ol’ dogs yoked up to wagons filled with puppies come galloping into our midst. As soon as they stop, the puppies come pouring out of the wagons, licking faces and pawing knees and being as mind-meltingly cute as you could possibly imagine. In a matter of seconds, the zombie-parents have snapped out of their rage and begin crying into their hands, realizing an eternal truth that has stared us in the face since the beginning of time:
Dogs are better than kids! 😀 Ha HA!
Are your fellow coworkers trying to forcibly induct you into their children-worshipping cabal? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜