“SPARTANS!” Leonidas roars. “We have weathered their arrows! We have repelled their Immortals—their so-called ‘elite!’ And they yet they fail to understand: WE. WILL NOT. FAIL!”
A cheer rises from my fellow Spartiates, but I cough into my fist, drawing the king’s furious gaze. He points his short spear at me.
“Something to add, Kent Wayne?”
“Ah, nothing, your highness. It’s just that my armor has been chafing my crotch and I’ve—”
“OH!” The king’s eyes widen in mock concern. He strides up to me and puts his hands on his hips. “Your armor’s been digging into your smelly bits! Well guess what, dung speck?? SO HAS MINE!”
“Yeah but it’s just that—”
“Just that what? Just that WHAT???”
“I have a giant wiener.”
Leonidas looks down, chuckles disdainfully, and meets my eyes again.
“You’re packing some heat, huh?”
“Yes, my liege.”
“Slangin’ some big ol’ donkey dick?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Ain’t no stoppin’ your hymen hammer.”
“I prefer soccer moms, so I don’t really call it a—”
“Burglin’ turds left and right, with your enormous-ass shithook.”
“Uh…anal’s not my thing, but—”
He brings his face an inch from mine, and screams: “WELL GUESS WHAT, BITCH: MINE’S BIG AS FUCK! YOU WANNA HAVE A COCK-OFF? HUH??? DO YA???”
I lift both hands up in a “let’s take it easy, big guy” gesture. “A ‘cock-off?’ I’m not really—”
He scrambles with his armor, and it falls to the deck with a resonant CLANG. In a matter of seconds, the king of Sparta is stark naked, hands on his hips, proudly displaying his eight inch peen.
“Whadda ya think of THAT, asshole? Perfect color, perfect shape, and thick like a bicep!” He glares viciously at me. “Let me see yours! Come on! LET ME SEE IT!” He claps his hands and a bunch of Spartiates wrestle me to the ground.
“No!” I yell. “Don’t—”
But it’s too late—they strip off my plates and yank off my undergarments. As my wiener flops out past my kneecap, everyone around me takes an instinctive step back. At the same time, they voice a collective gasp.
“Yo Kent! What’s your diet like? What kind of supplements are you taking, bro?”
“Thing must weigh five pounds EASY—”
Leonidas’s eyes widen with rage and jealousy. “KILL THIS BIG-DICKED MOTHERFUCKER!”
No options left. I dart my hand into my discarded breast plate, unraveling my favorite scroll—Echo—and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Blood pumps into my massive schlong, filling its veins and tissues with 90% of my bodily fluid. In a matter of seconds, I’m just a tiny, man-shaped appendage attached to an eight foot tall, roaring Penis Monster. It rears its pee-slit into the air, and unleashes a terrible scream. All around me, Spartiates drop to their knees and begin vomiting or crying into their cupped hands. Leonidas curls into a fetal position and hugs his knees, rocking furtively back and forth and staring at nothing in particular.
“Olympus above us. It’s so big…so thick…”
Penis Monster worms away at 100 mph. I’m the equivalent of a human kewpie doll attached to its base, fluttering and bouncing as it makes its escape.
For obvious reasons, they left this one out of the history books. 😉
Is some aggro warrior-king getting all up in your shit and getting into a literal dick-measuring contest with you? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜