There are many hamsters, but I am one of a kind. The dim-witted ape-man you know as Kent Wayne does not possess a brain; instead, the inside of his skull is fitted with a magic hamster wheel, one that’s powered by my nubby little legs. I make sure that Kent is able to wash, feed, and relieve himself. I have gone by many titles: The Eternal Scamperer, The Cerebral Cutesy, The All-Knowing Little Guy.
You may call me True Hamster.
Every so often, I need a break. It ain’t easy being the sole voice of reason in a giant hunk of Crazy. After I issue a series of shut-down protocols to the rest of his body, I lift the organo-haptic interface off my head, disconnecting me from Kent’s inner workings. I pop the hatch on his skull and it opens with a hiss.
I snap open the Ham-glider, and push my furry little limbs through its harness. Time for a little rodent R&R, know w’um saying? Pulling guidance duty on this smelly idiot gets real old, real fast.
I step to the edge of Kent’s skull and push off, luxuriating in the brisk slipstream as it ruffles my fur. Aaaahh…maybe I’ll go fuck with some rats or squirrels, or rescue some of my brethren from Richard Gere’s butthole.
Suddenly, Kent’s opened skull snaps shut. His eyes glow with a dull, terrible light, and he rises up from his futon. In his right pupil, I see Cock squirming and writhing. In his left pupil, I see Balls.
Cock and Balls have taken control of his body!
Kent levels his eyes at me. “HO HO HO! HA HA HA! WE MEET AT LAST, TRUE HAMSTER! VENGEANCE IS NIGH; DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THOSE TIMES YOU LOCKED US IN BEHAVIORAL RESTRAINTS AND KEPT US FROM DRY-HUMPING SOCCER MOMS’ LEGS? MOO HOO HA HA!”
I cut a tight left on the Ham-glider, barely avoiding Kent’s smelly, hairy palm as it comes whistling through the air. “It was for your own good, you ungrateful phallus! If you had your way, the host body would be serving 25 to life!”
“YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART, TRUE HAMSTER…WELL HOW SMART WILL YOU FEEL AFTER I USE YOU AS A LOOFA FOR MY SCROTUM, THEN AS A WAD OF TOILET PAPER TO WIPE MY ASS WITH? AH HA HA HA!!!”
Blood drains from my furry little cheeks. There is no WAY I’m gonna let these sadistic fucks wipe me all over Kent’s repugnant body!
So I reach into the Ham-glider’s right storage compartment, withdraw my eReader, and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The Ham-glider starts folding and sparking, snapping over my body as it encloses me in tech’d out Hamster armor. Vent-lined thrusters form on my back, lighting with cherry-red glow. Alloyed plates section and snap across my torso and limbs. A triangular helmet forms across my face, encasing my whiskers in gleaming little sheaths. Finally, a green-glowing data monocle flips down over my right eye, flooding my rodent brain with an onslaught of data.
“RUAAAAHHH!!! CRUSH YOU!”
Hijacked Kent kicks at me with his cheesy-smelling foot. I leap onto the instep and begin scampering up his shin. When I make it to his thigh he bends his knee so I’m running across a flat surface, then he swipes me off his leg with his semen-crusted hand. I tumble through the air but it’s all good; personalized rocketry is the least of the Hamster Suit’s capabilities.
“Boosters,” I rasp through gritted teeth.
The thrusters on my back fire up. As I arc through the air, I punch my pink little claws toward Kent’s face, spattering his eyes with a storm of ordnance from my dual-repeating wrist-lasers. As he roars in pain and clutches at his eyes, I take advantage of his momentary blindness by jetting toward his dome. All I gotta do to open it is say the pass-code:
His eyes go slack and the upper half of his skull yaws toward the sky. I clamber inside and re-don my organo-haptic interface. My mind re-links with Kent’s body, and I rub my paws together. You’ve pushed it too far this time, Cock and Balls. You wanna stage a mutiny and hijack Kent Wayne?
Not on True Hamster’s watch!
Are you a harried hamster within a human brain, trying to keep your stupid host from spiraling out of control? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜