After I finish doing my bid’ness in the bathroom I assess my hands with a cursory sniff. All clean—no need to wash ’em. Same with the shower; I’ll just throw on an extra coat of Axe Body Spray. I lift up my arms and—fssshhhh!—douse both pits. Dum-de-dum-dum…don’t judge—bacteria is natural! I think of them as my little critter/buddy/pets.
As I walk outside, whistling, the grass I step on instantly turns brown. Moms pull their children into their houses and doors slam shut. A tree to my right screams in agony, then bursts into flames.
Jeez guys! A little overdramatic, don’t you think? As I stroll around the neighborhood for my morning walk, I see people pull on gas masks and don chemically protective suits. I shake my head in resignation.
Suddenly, a handful of figures in level 4 biohazard ensembles come rushing out of the bushes and pin me to the ground. Through their pressurized masks and face plates, I can see that they’re all soccer moms I made love to in the days of yore.
“Ow! Hey! QUIT IT!” Sticks and bludgeons rise and fall, beating the piss out of my writhing body.
“You stinky motherfucker! You’ve turned the entire western seaboard into a desolate wasteland!”
“I had to rehab my way back from a stroke because of you!”
“I went colorblind!”
“I lost the ability to differentiate between waking life and dream!”
“I piss mountain dew, and my sweat smells like mozzarella!”
FUCK this hurts! Only one option left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time rewinds to an era when I still showered on a regular basis and washed my hands after a dook. I look around, and find myself staring at the inside of my bathroom. The steady plip-plip-plip of the shower beckons mercilessly.
Sigh…FINE. I’ll wash my nasty-ass body. Yes, I’ll get in the buttcrack and under the nuts. It’s YOUR guys’ fault if I get a hernia from lifting up my pendulous, weighty scrotum to scrub my taint!
Have you accidentally destroyed peoples’ lives through your careless lack of hygiene? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜