I peek through the bushes at the carefully arranged stack of mountain dew code red, ice, and voltage. Drool oozes from my lips as my mind goes haywire, contemplating the blast of sugary goodness contained within those cans. I’ve been wearing the same loin cloth for the better part of a year, but as much as I enjoy the ripeness of Eau de Kent, I would gladly forgo it it if I could lose myself in a heavenly burst of artificial flavor erupting across my palate, filling my nose with the chemically enhanced scent of refined corn syrup.
Fuck it! I gallop out from my hiding place, making a beeline for the carbonated ambrosia. Just before my hand closes around that cold, glistening can of dew—
—a snare loops tight around my ankle, swooping me up into the air. I curse and gibber as my loincloth flies down, exposing my big ol’ bush-nuts (they look like a pair of geriatric basketballs coated in a giant blanket of scraggly chinchilla hide) and I hear a frantic shout of: “Gas masks on! The scent of his unwashed cock could melt the paint off a battleship!”
A passel of hunched figures emerge from all around me, dressed in an assortment of Stanley Livingstone-style jungle wear, complete with pith helmets and khaki accoutrements. I can’t see their features due to the thick layer of industrial-grade rubber sealed around their faces. They approach me in hesitant, lurching scoots. By their bulge-free crotches and lack of muscle tone, I instantly recognize them for what they are:
Their leader claps his thin-wristed hands together. “This is the last of them!” he squeals. “The last true testosterone-filled dickswinger! His stuffed corpse will make the perfect addition to our Man Child Museum! No longer will we have to feel insecure about our shriveled micro-peens or lack of critical thinking! Now we can inundate the world with uplilting question talk, as well as—”
Not if I have anything to say about it—I’ll be damned if these sit-when-you-pee asshole enforce their passive-aggressive fuckspeak on THIS Man Child! So I reach into the 208th wrinkle on my right ball (it’s cavernous as hell), withdraw my eReader and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A locked-n-loaded rib-eye launcher arcs through the air and lands in my hands. I start working the action and pulling the trigger, projecting giant hunks of man-making steaks into beta-males’ faces. As the steaks make contact, the beta-males begin to spontaneously explode, decorating the air with big-ass streamers of blended organs and blown apart limbs. Screams and howls fill the air, and after I dispatch the leader’s putrid minions, I level my sights on his fleeing back.
I hiss, “Hasta la vista, thin-dick,” and pull the trigger, sending well-marbled death hurtling out from the barrel. As he detonates into a straight-up Mortal Kombat-style mess, my eyes narrow in grim satisfaction.
Ain’t no civilizing this stinky-ass Man Whore! The adventures of Kent Wayne—sci-fi author and perennial Man Child—continue! 😀
Have you been strung up by a bunch of militant, insecure dorks who want to eradicate your common sense and get-shit-done attitude with their militant, insecure ways? Never fear!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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