I cup my butt with both hands as I race through Adulting Academy’s diabolical Labyrinth Test. After they force-fed me a handful of ghost-peppers, they rendered me unconscious and dropped me off in a serpentine maze. I have to find the porta-potty before my butthole fails me and unleashes a wave of unprecedented evil into the world. My skin is covered in a cold sweat, while the veins on my eyeballs throb in time with my thumping heart.
Hidden speakers blare to life: “BETTER FIND THAT TOILET, KENT! OTHERWISE YOU’RE DOING THIS AGAIN, AND NEXT TIME, WE’RE GONNA FORCE YOU TO HOLD ONTO A MAXIMUM STRENGTH SHAKE-WEIGHT!”
Oh CHRIST! There’s no fucking way I’ll be able to do this while I’m holding a shake-weight!
“THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, WAYNE! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR SPITTING ON THE TIME-HONORED PRINCIPLES OF ADULTING ACADEMY! YOU’LL BECOME AN ADULT…OR YOU’LL DIE TRYING! MWAHAHAHA!”
My butthole lurches, and I realize this is it—there’s an apocalyptic Ragnarok brewing inside me that’ll lay low the foundations of man, and reset civilization as we have come to know it. This is the end—not just for me, but for everyone.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I’m teleported into their control room, where I materialize amongst a horde of certified Adults, all sporting haggard, drawn faces (that shit comes from years of trying to be respectable; why the hell do you think I do what I do? 😉 ) Their eyes widen in shock and surprise.
“What are you doing here?” one of them whispers.
“Saving…the world,” I manage through gritted teeth. “My eReader…it’s created a temporary force field around this facility. When I unclench my asshole, everyone here is going straight to Brown Town. The world will be safe. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for anyone in this room.”
I hear someone yell, “SEIZE HIM!” right before I relax my sphincter. It doesn’t matter; I tilt my head back and close my eyes. Somewhere in the far-off distance, I hear a choir of angels erupt into sad, melancholic song.
I wish I’d gotten another dog.
I wish I’d been nicer to people.
I wish I hadn’t ejac’d my pants when I was trying to say hello to Taylor Swift.
I wish I’d—
Are you facing the end, and need to go out in a blaze of glory? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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