Oh Christ—one too many spicy sausages! I can’t breathe…I can’t…
“Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne! Can you hear me?? We’re from the SF Fire Department—we’re here to help! Just relax and—”
“Get the defibrillator ready and call the ER. This one doesn’t have long before he—”
“This dude is nasty as hell! He smells like pizza, mountain dew, and old feet! Oh my God, I’m gonna pu—”
“Call it. Time of death is—”
Hmmm…I look down at my corpse and nod approvingly; my big ol’ wiener has flopped out for all to see. Like the vast majority of folks, I find necrophilia to be horrifically disgusting, but I can’t say that I wouldn’t approve of some lovely soccer mom copping a feel off my recently deceased flesh-hammer.
A 40 something year old mortuary worker stares at my body for a long moment. Her hand inadvertently reaches up to toy with her neckline and she voices a series of deep, breathy moans. Then she casts a furtive glance both ways to make sure no one is looking, and gives my yogurt-slinger a quick squeeze.
The spirit of my sentient penis drifts up from my lifeless body. It looks me in the eye, and its pee-slit widens into a loving smile.
“Hey!” I exclaim. “Professor Oatmeal!” (Come on—don’t pretend like you don’t name your nethers) “Good to see you, buddy!”
Unlike in real life, where he communicates through a series of pig-like squeals, Professor Oatmeal’s astral form is able to speak in a booming voice that would make James Earl Jones sound like a five-year old schoolgirl. “KENT WAYNE. IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU, OLD FRIEND. MY NAME, HOWEVER, IS NOT PROFESSOR OATMEAL. IT IS HYLAETHIO FOUNTAINSONG: SLAYER OF WOMBS AND WIDENER OF ANUSES.”
“Ah…okay Hylaethio. I guess this is it! Safe travels, fella!”
“INDEED.” Up until now I wouldn’t have said it wasn’t possible for a wiener to execute a curtsy, but Hylaethio somehow pulls it off. “LONG DAYS AND PLEASANT NIGHTS, WORDSLINGER.” Then he sprouts a pair of feathery wings and flies away into the aetheric wilds.
Man, I’m glad he wasn’t mad at me! When I was alive, I’d wake him up at all hours of the night to punish him with a frantic jerk-session. Cool! Anyways, time to—
Suddenly, a horde of gnashing, tadpole-like creatures materialize out of nowhere. There’s billions of them; no matter where I turn, I find myself surrounded by angry faces and glaring stares. Their voices come together in a demonic, double-toned chorus:
“WE’RE YOUR SPERM, KENT! YOU SHOT US INTO SOCKS, ONTO FACES, INTO THE SCALDING HOT WATER ON YOUR SHOWER TILES, INTO THE TAILPIPE OF YOUR JEEP WHEN YOU THOUGHT NO ONE WAS LOOKING…AND THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED, WASN’T IT??? YOU COULDN’T HAVE JUST SHOT US TOWARD AN EGG LIKE A NORMAL DUDE—NO, YOU HAD TO BLAST US ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE BUT A GODDAMN CERVIX!”
“Wait!” I raise both hands, palms turned out. “I can explain! I can—”
“NO MORE TALK! NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT!”
They charge toward me, intent on ripping my spirit into half-formed concepts. I give into sheer, blind panic and reach into my thought-form’s aetheric pocket, grasping an eReader between my grasping fingers. I open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
WHATTHEHOOZIS! I bolt up on the pulled-out morgue drawer, gasping in panic. I reflexively pat my torso and my face, ensuring that none of my parts have been chewed apart by vindictive sperm.
Then I raise the blanket with trembling hands and look down at my crotch. I breathe a sigh of relief; Hylaethio is coiled snugly around my right thigh, snoring peacefully and wriggling in his sleep.
Whew! Next time I visit the Great Beyond, remind me to go straight for the light! If the ghosts of my sperm get their metaphorical hands on me, I’ve got a lot to answer for!
Have you visited the eternal yonder, and found yourself surrounded by the long-dead spirits of your pissed-off gametes? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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