Here we go here we go! I’m at the gym, loading up the barbell, getting ready to knock out some squats to activate those oh-so-grabbable ham hocks that ladies love to squeeze. Unbeknownst to most folks who see me jacking steel, my iPhone is filled with songs that—to put it as charitably as possible—aren’t what you’d call “manly man” music. Scroll through my playlist and you’ll shake your head in disgust; there’s a bunch of stuff from Taylor Swift, 1980s Madonna, and a smattering of Donna Lewis. No one would know it from my let’s-get-it-on Game Face, but my musical choices could double as those of a 1990s-era school girl’s.
“HHHRRHH!” I power through a heavy-ass rep, earning some raised eyebrows and approving nods from the attendant Gym Bros. “RAAAH!” One more. “MMMMRRRR!!!” Another.
And then a little spider descends from the ceiling, lowering slowly on a strand of silk. As it inches past my face, I break into wild, panicked squeals.
“EEEEE!!! EEEEE!!!” I rush forward, rack the bar, then slap wildly at my cheeks, trying to make sure that the little fucker hasn’t—
And then I see it: my headphones have tumbled out from my ears. They’re blasting the Bangles’ “Eternal Flame” for all the gym to hear.
“Hey!” one of the Bros yells, “this motherfucker is inflicting cognitive dissonance on us through the mind-bending dichotomy of his yoked out body and his pussy-ass music! Let’s beat him six ways from the Sunday!”
I scramble to my feet and start throwing haymakers. The first two stumble back, clutching their jaws, but there’s too damn many of them. A horde of backwards-turned baseball caps and frost-tipped haircuts surge toward me, threatening to drown my ass in an unrelenting tide of faux-masculinity.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The overhead lights burst into spectacular fountains of sparking geysers, then everything goes dark. As the Bros scream in panic, yelling stuff like, “HE’S JUST ONE MAN—FIND HIM!” something grabs me around the waist and hustles me out the door. The next thing I know, I’m being bent over like some 1940s WWII dame, one who’s being aggressively kissed by a super horny, just-returned doughboy from overseas. A second later, another pair of lips replaces the one I was just smooching. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see the Bros flood out from the gym, their mouths agape with horror.
“Mom?” one of them whispers.
The Bros’ moms continue passing me around, using my face like a cheap piece of meat. After the fourth or fifth lip-lock, one of them slings me over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes and starts marching off.
“We got big plans for this Man Whore! Eating butts, cradling nuts…nothing’s off limits!”
The Bros drop to their knees, tears streaming from their anguished faces.
“MOM—NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” The cry resounds from each and every one of them, filling my soul with sweet, unadulterated joy.
Even though I’m draped over a Soccer Mom shoulder, I manage to give them the double middle finger as I break into a mad series of cackles. MOO HOO HA HA!
Have you committed a lifting faux pas and offended a bevy of roided-out Bros with your dubious taste in music? Don’t get revenge—make love to their moms! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
#kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book