As the plastic sheeting rolls out of the humming laminator, I rub my hands together like a kid on Christmas Eve. OhboyohboyohBOY!
I pull out the 3” x 2” card and hold it up to the light. It’s decorated with a scatter of bat-symbols, ninja swords, and X-Wings. Two words are emblazoned in its center:
Finally! Now I have documented proof that Kent Wayne is good for something more than making dick jokes and ape noises! Now I can put on those pants that say Big Boy on the back, the ones I ordered for my birthday last ye—
BAM! The door to my studio slams open and a bunch of pasty-bodied, crazy-haired Social Justice Warriors flood into my room, clearing surfaces with wide sweeps of their arms, as well as upending my desk and sending papers and pens flying across the floor. Their leader snatches my Man Card away and slaps me across the face. Another one punches me in the nuts, and when I double over, a third gives me a devastatingly painful dual titty-twister.
“AHHH!!!” I gasp. “WHAT THE—“
Their leader flicks a lighter open and holds my Man Card above it, causing the plastic and paper to melt together into a gooey mess. He winds back and chucks a thick tome—it’s gotta be at least a thousand pages long—directly at my face. It bounces off my forehead. For a brief moment, my vision fills with stars.
“No Man Cards allowed,” he declares. He nods at the book he’s just brained me with. “If you memorize all the pronouns in that book, score at least an 80% on a written test, then you can earn yourself a Ze/Zir card.”
“What the FUCK, man???” I sputter. “My IQ is in the single digits! How the hell do you expect me to memorize all those—”
He snaps his fingers and two of his minions race up to my side, each one clutching a squalling infant. They hold the babies’ mouths up to my nipples. The tykes immediately start suckling my nerps.
“AHHH!” I scream. “WHAT’RE YOU—”
“This is the alternative.” The leader grins.
“Men can’t even lactate!” I protest.
“There’s no such thing as a man, and even if there was, science has proven they’re able to lactate under extreme circumstances.”
“As well as a woman, though??? Even if I can do this, what quality milk am I gonna—”
The leader gives a firm shake of his head. “No such thing as a woman, either. We’re gonna prove it—your titties are gonna be suckled until they each produce a gallon of milk a day, Kent Wayne. We have all the time in the world. You’re going nowhere—you hear me, Kent? Where you going, huh? You going NOWHERE!” The leader breaks out in raucous laughter, and his minions join in.
Fuck this! I spot my eReader lying a few feet to my left. I scramble toward it and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My dong springs to life, unsnapping from the elaborate harness that attaches to my torso and thighs, the one that restrains the dozens of yards of penile flesh that typically wrap around my body. It whips through the air with the speed of a Sam Raimi-directed monster erupting from its crypt, sla-sla-slap-slap-papping my enemies’ heads in less than a second.
For a frozen instant they pause in place, gazing blankly at nothing…then they collapse, mushroom-stamps clearly showing on the center of their foreheads.
Whew—that was a close one! Time for me to make myself another Man Card—my Big Boy pants await! 😀
Are you a sensible-minded person that’s totally fine with letting people to do whatever the F they want as long as they’re not ordering you to change your thoughts and behaviors to fit their ideology? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve starting a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check out the trailer, see it here: Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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