“This is how ya protect yerself from the venereals, Kent! Terrorists, too!”
Chuck Norris stretches his karate-hardened peener out from his zipper and grits his teeth, staring intently at it as he brings a buzzing tattoo-needle towards his shaft. I visibly wince as he starts inking his junk; he’s etching a cammo-colored eagle framed by the stars and stripes onto his flesh-hog. Sweat trickles down his beet-red face as he grits his teeth, forcing himself to continue through sheer American ’80s willpower.
“You…gotta…do this…too…Kent!” he manages in stilted, gasping breaths.
“Um…no thanks, Chuck. I just wear condoms.”
He finishes drawing the picture, then signs it with: “Chuck Norris, American Icon.” Then he puts his hands on his hips and gives me a level stare, his patriotic wiener dangling from his crotch. “That’s bullshit!” he barks. “Yer nothin’ but a weak-sauce pussy, Kent! Man up, fer Chrissakes!”
“Uh, I really don’t wanna—”
He flaps a hand at me and turns away in disgust. “People like you are ruining this country! Goddamn hippie!”
Before I can reply, Steven Seagal comes rocketing into the room astride a jet-powered tricycle, dressed in sumo wrestler underwear with a yin/yang symbol on the tip of his bulge. He hops off and does some hokey martial arts arm waves, causing his furry belly to bounce up and down like a malevolent pogo ball.
“Think your crazy can beat my crazy, Charles?” Steven asks in his cool-guy rasp.
“Bring it, you Putin-worshipping pinko!” Chuck chops the air with his hands and charges Steven, his star-spangled wiener bouncing off his thighs.
Chuck barrages Seagal with a million roundhouse kicks, causing Seagal to turtle up. I’m convinced that Chuck is about to land a good one and knock Steven out, but Seagal grabs Chuck’s wiener and slips a tiny Russian flag into the peehole.
Chuck casts a disbelieving look at his Communist crotch. “You…you…AHHHHHHH!!!!!” He curls into a fetal position and bursts into flames, clutching at his violated meatsaber while rolling wildly around and squealing like a pig.
Steven takes a moment to spit on Chuck’s flaming, thrashing body, then fixes me with his insane, 999th-Dan stare.
“You’re next, Kent.”
The hell I am! I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Seagal’s neck-beard begins rippling, emitting a series of groans and rumbles. Steven freezes in place, and though I can’t see his eyes due to his ridiculous sunglasses (which I’ll bet you a $1000 he wears at night), I can see by his expression that he’s rattled to the very core of his weirdo soul.
“What—what’s going on? What the hell did you—”
His neck-beard—rife with old bits of pizza, vienna sausage, tiger balm, and GNC protein powder—rises up from his skin and smothers his head like an alien face-hugger. He screams and claws at it, trying to rip it off.
“NO—I LOVED YOU NECK-BEARD! WHY ARE YOU DOING THI—HLLLLGLLLRPPP!”
As I run out the door, I can’t help but feel sorry for the crazy-ass action star.
No one should die from Steven Seagal’s neck-beard—not even Steven Seagal!
Are you being threatened by some giant weirdo who supposedly knows the Dim Mak Finger-In-The-Asshole Strike? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’m starting a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check out the trailer, see it here: Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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